‘why do I try?’ that’s what I tell myself after I wake up each morning. I live surrounded by pain the one I love abuses me on a regular base and I let him do so just so I can feel the touch of being needed and loved that I seem to ignore from everything else in my life. I cry myself to sleep just to wake up and pray to see u again. Then u don’t show. I sleep. And wake up with the same wishes once again.
This is my normal day life… im just a normal everyday girl that craves the love and attention from the so called ‘true love’…..he comes occasionally just to keep us ‘together’….every time he arrives I have butterflies in my stomach that are so strong I wonder if they r from excitement of seeing him or are truly from the pain and terrifying aspect of what will he do to me today…he comes into my home sits on my couch cuddles close to my stiff body eat my food and falls asleep….just to wake up leave and leave me feeling useless…feeling empty….feeling used.
He says he loves me…he says im his soulmate….his true love and he would never find anyone other than me....but…how true are those feelings…how does he really know? ‘why do I try?’ I ask myself again and again…what is there in it for me….comfort…but what is comfort when I am stiff as a rock while he falls asleep next to me. He comes talks about his life…about his friends and school….and falls asleep or silent when I say something of my own day….he turns away and cares for the tv stronger than he cares for me ….his school is more to him than my love.
I bought him supper the other day…. We both ate… he acted nice to me that day…came over when he said he was too tired to…cared for me and touched me gently….then he leaves….forgets about me….ignores me…acts like im nothing…did he want me for pleasure? Does he just want my body? If he did he would of shown up during the day….so….what does he want from me then…I sure as hell don’t know.I know I am taking this out of some sort of proportion…..or am i? We have been on and off for over a year…the majority of my friends hate him…actually all the ones I have left do. Yet im scared….im scared of leaving of all we have put to waste….of all weve done gone… when I tell him how am I the one he gives me so many reasons to stay. He says the sweetest things, he keeps me there that much longer. But for what? For me to get hurt again…for me to hold him on his lonely days….i feel like a human punching bag. He comes, he talks, he eats, he sleeps, he leaves. Then he goes and he tells me that I do nothing for him. That he works so hard just to keep me happy! Yet the next moment hes gone once again… and im left there crying. Yes I know I have severe mental health issues…and it scares me that he is the only one who will ever put up with them. In the beginning he was the only one to make me smile, he was the one who brightened my day, of course that was before we first broke up. Before I found out how many exs he had, before I found out how many hearts he broke. Why didn’t I leave then? Why have I stayed so long….fought so hard for him…whats the real reason I stay. Do I pity him? Maybe….but why? I wanted to be so badly to be the one…but why? Hes my first love my first true relationship. I guess im scared of loosing that. I guess that I don’t want to lose the one who made me the happiest. Hes taken the most important part of me… he has taken my soul, ripped it into pieces and thrown it away….just to come again apologize and expect into my life again.And I let him. I let him take advantage of me, I let him come into my home, I let him hold me close while im stiff and cold like a dead body. Funny thing is that he doesn’t notice my stiffness he freaks when I try pulling away he yells pulls on me to go back…gives me stiff shoulders hurts my neck. The few times I accidently hurt him I freak apologize but tell him that’s how I feel and he curls into a ball acts like a child and doesn’t seem to take it seriously. I tell him the hurt he gives me and he goes “well im just a bad bf, why do u stay if I hurt u so much?” …. Why? Why do I stay? Why do I live through this hurt? Why do I love someone who abuses me so strongly? I don’t think he knows what love is. If he did he wouldn’t treat me like this…would he? Have I just become another statistical girl with an abusive man in her life? I used to be stronger than him….but now I don’t know, I can still hold my ground…but is it better for me to just go limp and let him do what he wants? Probably not…but…how do I get away from it…he knows me like the back of my hand….and I like to believe I know him the same way too….but has all he shown me all hes done a lie?
‘Why do I try?’ I ask myself…why do I try to live to survive when all I feel is pain.