Behind the Avatar; Judith.
Im in a mood.
Thinking quite a bit.
So here are the many things running through my mind right now;
I feel like I have a strange relationship with my animals, as if Im able to understand them far better than I understand people at times.
I feel that I can tell what theyre thinking and how theyre feeling and vice versa.
I find no joy in holidays such as thanksgiving/christmas/valentines day etc
Ya know, the ones where families get together.
Because I used to have it.
Since my parents passing, christmas and thanksgiving and even my own birthday, have lost the spark.
And theres no way to regain it.
My parents made every holiday, and even every regular day full of joy and happiness even if there wasnt anything going on.
The void, that is ever so present, remains empty.
There is nothing that can or will ever fill it though I still try to find things to occupy the gap.
Ive blown $80,000+
In under a year.
I had no idea why at first, but the more I think about it, the more Im positive that it was a temporary fix for the emptiness I have.
Id buy things I didnt really need, because at the time itd make me excited and happy momentarily.
Itd occupy my mind from thinking about my parents being gone.
The less I thought about their absence, the happier I was.
Or so I thought.
Im an a*****e.
I will tell anyone that.
Not because I want to seem like a badass or anything of that sort.
But because, I wish to deter people from getting close to me.
I do not like it.
I do not like being vulnerable enough for someone to take advantage of me in any way they please.
My walls are 100% active against everyone.
People I call friends, people I am closest to, and even those of non-blood relation whom I consider family.
My parent were all I needed.
They were just.
They were all.
Even if it were possible for anyone to do so, I do not need nor want people to be as close to me as I was with them.
Since their passing, dormant mannerisms have become active.
My inability to bond with anyone I meet, no matter how long I have known them, no matter how much either of us know about each other; I cannot bond.
I have become detached from humans in general.
I am cold, I lack empathy or the ability to care for others.
My highest and only priority in life is self preservation; self survival, at all costs.
Its either you or me, and Im sure its obvious how that would go.
Dont misunderstand, I care about certain people TO A POINT.
Until that caring interferes with myself and my wants/needs.
I have become selfish.
And honestly, Im ok with that.
Lack of caring has gotten me quite far.
If you forget and put aside the impact of certain decisions and choices on other people, anything is possible for you to do.
Please excuse my spelling and grammar as well, I must apologize.
Im typing as thoughts pop into my head and I dont feel like correcting them.
You all already know Im educated and can spell/punctuate properly.
I think Im done for now.
I need sleep.
When Im awake this late and the chains of sleep deprivation begin yanking at me I stop giving two shits about what I say and when.
Haha..I cant even right now.
If you read this, be aware that this is only a very small fraction of what I have to say.
Rarely to I get on these rants to where I speak raw and honestly.
Feel honored that I decided to write this to benefit you so that you can have some sort of idea and insight into my mind.
· Sat Nov 23, 2013 @ 03:28am · 0 Comments