I decided today that I need to work harder.. but It's to hard.
I am sick of being depressed.. my family depresses me.. and on top of that I force my self to be indifferent and feel almost nothing, because If I did show emotion they would be on me like a pack of wolves.. already tired of stuff being thrown at me, and I don't want it to get worse.. but its so hard.
I know I will never trust my family.. I can hardly trust anyone really.. I trust one person, yet I'm to scared to tell her my biggest secret.. not because of what it is.. but because I am unsure of it.
Physically, my body is completely normal. testosterone and everything is normal for a male that is going through puberty.. but thats the issue. mentally and emotionally.. everything points to me being a female.. my likes.. my interest.. how I socialize.. the fact that I'm shy, and would rather have people hold me then to hold others.. I'm just not happy with myself.. I'm told I'm an attractive guy.. but that wasn't always true.. back in middle school I was called a girl, and told I look like a girl.. back then I just wanted to be accepted.. so it was hard, even though half felt them right. these feelings about my self, it just doesn't go away. no matter how many male hormones are in my body, I never feel male, and I don't even want to.. I'm not sure If I want to...
It bothers me so much.. because I just want to be able to just be a normal person, but in my mind It just doesn't make sense. I can be normal.. but I'll probably never act like a normal guy.. why do I have to be like this.. it sucks..GID sucks..
one thing that bothers me more then anything.. is being alone.. but.. I'm to nice to people.. when ever I get close to people they start liking me and it gets awkward because I have to reject them... but then again.. what does it matter if I'm alone or not, I have her.. but I wan't to be perfect for her.. I feel like I won't ever be good enough to be able to be with her.. because of.. of my Issue. I love her so much.. but.. I don't know what she thinks.. and I'm so worried that she will leave if she knew.. I'm scared of her reading this.. because if she does then she would know... and.. It's so much harder to tell someone you care for so much about this because you get so scared that they may leave you.. it scares me so much.. I'm to scared to tell her I have GID.. I mean.. what if she want's kids.. and I all ready had the op.. and even if we had a kid before I have the op.. then how would the kid feel about being raised by two mothers, one of which was born a male...
I should.. just force my self to be as masculine as possible.. work out.. play sports and games... cut my hair short.. and just forget about what I feel about my self.. It would be so much better for everyone.. and I wouldn't have to worry about losing her.. but then it's like living a lie.. I don't know what to do.. I'm to scared to talk to her about it.. someone so awesome.. doesn't deserve someone as lame as me.. she should have someone happy, someone normal and god looking.. someone that can be there to hold her, to care for her now, when she needs it the most.. not someone like me.. thats depressed.. fugly.. and lives half the world away.. I wan't to just turn fade away to dust... but.. I won't ever leave her alone.. I love her.. and.. I won't ever stop loving her.. the only way I'd ever leave.. is if she told me to..and even then, I'd just fade away into dust..
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