Feeling a bit nostalgic and sad today. I found an old conversation on Facebook between me and my childhood best friend. She's grown up to be soo beautiful and successful. We don't talk or hang out anymore. We've grown up and changed so much during our lives that we drifted apart. It makes me sad.
I always thought it was unfair that everyone got to keep their best friend from childhood and I didn't. After we drifted apart, it was like no one could ever take her place. I was hoping to grow up together, graduate high school together, go to college together, and even find significant others together. However, life is not fair and never will be.
As soon as I moved away to another city when I was 10 years old, the phone calls became less frequent, the letters trickled to a drop, and the e-mails stopped. I was devastated, heartbroken even. It was like a part of me had disappeared and was never coming back.
Another part of me was angry. How could she just move on like that? Didn't I matter? Didn't she miss me at all? Was I even her friend at all to begin with? I even went as far as telling her I was in love with her (which I was but that's another story for another day) hoping she would still want to be around me but she didn't feel the same.
I spent many nights crying over her. But after that was over, I realized I was going to have to rely on myself for comfort and companionship. I did make friends here and there and they left too. Hell, I didn't even have friends in community college. How pathetic is that? When friends would leave I always took it as my fault. Then one day I thought, "No more friends. The ones I have are enough. If I make new ones, they'll just leave me."
And because of thoughts like this, I was always prepared for when the time would come when they left. I'd always have that train of thought somewhere in my head floating around just so it wouldn't hurt as much when it actually did happen. Why am I so emotionally involved? Because I wanted my friendships to be like in movies, fanfictions, books, and shows.
But that's not how real friendship is. Real friendship gives you joy, yes, but also betrayal, anger, detachment, being pushed aside, worthlessness, pain, sadness, but also forgiveness (which is the hardest one to have). At least in my experience.
Maybe, just maybe, if I was less like myself and more like every other sheep in the herd, I'd still have my old friends today. The idea of staying with the herd didn't sit right with me so I decided to be myself and look where it got me....nowhere. I'd rather be nowhere and by myself than be nowhere and with someone who will eventually leave me behind. That's how I feel. Left behind.
So when I'm traveling this vast area of no mans land, anyone that comes by and say's "Hey, mind if I tag along?" or "Hey wanna be friends?" I tell them, "Move along. I travel alone." I kind of lost trust in others. How do I regain that?
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