So far the longest time now, I've distinguished two selves. I don't believe I have a split personality. That is, I don't act like one person one minute and then like another person the next minute. If I were to state it simply, I have two ongoing selves that coexist in the current world.
I don't know exactly when it started, but I became aware of it in sixth grade when people began telling me that I was talking to myself.
Well, actually, they didn't tell me it like that. It was more like, "Lucia, who are you talking to?" or, "Lucia, what are you mumbling about?" Of course I was talking to myself... I think.
Truth is, I'm not consciously doing it. It doesn't appear to be some supernatural thing either. It's more of... one of my traits as an individual. Haha, get it? An individual? Because I said I have two selves and I still consider myself an individual and... I suck at making jokes.
But anyhow, yeah. What takes me apart from other people is that I openly express both selves. I'm pretty darn sure everyone else has different selves as well.
It's kind of like... Well, if I were to identify the two selves in a way others can attempt to relate, I would say it's like the heart and the brain. I mean, it's not quite like that since the heart doesn't have a mind, but I'm speaking the metaphorical heart.
Emotions and intellect, kind of.
But sometimes, I find that my two selves are stupid. Or rather, they both become sensitive.
When I cry, I cry twice as much as I feel like I should. What do you expect? It's like I have two people in me and they both have to cry through one body. Ahh, what an odd way of putting it.
I don't cry often, if you don't know already. I can probably count the times I'm cried in the last four years. Less that fifty for sure. Fifty would be about once a month and it's definitely less than that nowadays.
When I do cry, though, it's because I have an overwhelming sense of sorrow. My tears mean I am sincerely hurt, be it mental or physical. When I do cry, I am very, very, very conscious of that and that makes me more sad.
I don't quite know how to explain it, really.
When I see someone sad, I pity them because I can't help them. I get sad seeing others sad because often times, I can relate.
Let's pretend I am two people in one, for the sake of explanation. When one of me cries, the other one witnesses such an act and ends up crying as well. I try to comfort myself, but in realizing I cannot, I prolong my tears. Does it kind of make sense?
But it doesn't always have to do with tears. In fact, considering I hardly ever cry, it hardly has to do with tears.
Often times, I act as my own conversational buddy. I think about things, and my other self responds to those thoughts. In thinking and responding, I achieve deeper meaning in just about anything.
In regards to academics, I think my success could by linked to my multiple selves. Unlike normal people who can absorb only so much information, it's like I have double the capacity. Granted, some things won't click with people no matter how much memory space they have left. I'm just saying that I have a 24/7 study buddy to help maintain my grades.
When I get scared or uneasy, I feel myself becoming one; not in the sense that I feel a wave of unity, but rather... I feel alone. In extremely unsettling moments, I lose my companion of self and I feel absolutely destroyed. If you hunt through my journal archive, you'll find one that lists out my fears. One of those fears is isolation.
Imagine having someone who can always relate to you being by your side. Sounds nice, right? Now imagine that person has the ability to amplify your feelings. Still nice? Think about all the possible feelings that you can possess in a life time... and multiply that by two.
That was, if I do say so myself, a very accurate description of what I am. I experience life twofold.
When I am sad, I become depressed.
When I am learning, I learn that of two students combined.
When I am scared, I am scared. I lose that sense to constant support and I feel dead.
This confession session had a few too many repeats, but I hope that's fine. I have to pack as I am going on a three hour road trip to a neighbouring city in nearly five hours. I still haven't slept yet, but I'll save that for the car ride.
Thanks for reading! I'll see you next entry.
Today's lyrics are:
Well heaven only knows
That packages and bows
Can never heal
A hurting human soul
Comment below the song's title and artist and a reward shall be given! I have-- brain glitch. I don't know what I was going to say there. I have...? Meh, doesn't matter. Bye byes~!
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