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Sometimes I just write to get out what I am feeling
11/4/2013 4:18 AM

My eyes not yet open, but She has already infiltrated my mind. As lucid as a dream could be, yet feeling ever powerless. I stir in my sleep, waking slightly to feel the frigid night air surrounding me. I lay still with the thoughts of my failure pressing down on me. I am torn between waking to reality or falling back into the dream world that tends to haunt me. I open my eyes slowly, but it is the same as sleep; it's pitch black and I am alone. I don't want to wake...my heart begs for solace. I force myself back into slumber. I arrive in a place that is very familiar; my home of over 20 years. I am living with my mother and family. She is living with us as well. I am shoved abruptly into a situation of demanding obligation. She seems unhappy with our living arrangements and with me in general. I see Her face when She looks at me... I am not what She desires any longer. I try to give Her attention and make my presence enjoyable, but the dream is all to much like reality. I am too little too late. I find myself in random places. She seems to be off on her own. I am very worried and I fear for losing Her. I search and search to find Her in the company of another man. I spy on them and She seems to be so happy. I hold back emotions beyond my descriptive abilities. My fears...they are too real. She returns home later and I am there waiting. I do not push the situation. I try again to be someone to Her. She is annoyed with me at this point. I am to leave Her alone and let Her do what She will. I am heart broken. I know She will return to Her savior of the moment. Questions swarm my mind, but I have no answers. I know She will never answer them. Things change and I seem to be arriving at a job. I somehow know that working is what She would like me to do. My job is strange; I am in a room filled with water accompanied by my family. The water raises and it appears to be some type of aquarium ride. In the water are dolphins and a lone sea tortoise. The room has a machine underneath that causes artificial waves. We ride the waves and enjoy the presence of the dolphin and sea tortoise. After I am paid for my strange services and we head to the car. Driving home we pick Her up. I tell Her of my day at work and of the dolphins and sea tortoise. She seems unimpressed. Her sister is there, which feels strange to me even inside the dream. Her sister chimes in "Yeah, we rode waves with dolphins. It was really cool." Still unimpressed She asks me if I was even paid for such a job. I assure Her I was and inform Her of the amount. She tells me that the amount of money isn't worth my time being wasted at work. I try to defend myself, but it is futile. We arrive home and She takes off out of the house immediately. Unknowing to her I follow. She travels to a house down the street. I stay back and watch as She comes out onto the balcony of the house with the man from before. I watch as they share stories with each other and laugh. It pains me deeply, but I feel as if I must stay and try to understand. I awake suddenly again to the freezing night. The memory of the dream burns it's fading presence into my mind. I force myself to get up and out of bed this time. I tell myself that it is just a dream. It's not reality, it's not how She would treat me. This brings me little solace and I wander to the bathroom. I stare at myself in the mirror for a long while. Questions flood my head, but never fully form into anything coherent. I see failure; I see someone I am unhappy with. I look around the room, searching for anything to somehow bring my mind to rest. It does nothing. I am alone and no one is here to pick me up now that I have fallen. I tell myself to stay strong. Life feels ever difficult. The will to go on pushed by the one sole fact: I will see Her again. Yet I feel the itch to search Her out. It's an itch that I fear will grow ever stronger. I am unsure if I will have the strength in the end. But I must... I miss Her more than ever before. Her safety and well being a constant worry. I must find Her again someday.





 
 
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