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I write things sometimes for catharsis. I like catharsis.
I find it difficult to love myself these days. But I would be lying if I said this was news to me. When people aggravate me, offend me, and hurt me, naturally as a human I can not help but think negative thoughts about those people. But is it strange that afterward I instantly feel guilt for thinking such thoughts? I feel like if I ever think negative thoughts about anyone they somehow sense what I was thinking and in return look down upon me. In a major way, I do not care what people think of me. I am open about many things that a lot of people are not open to. IE, i’ll blast the weirdest anime in my room with my dorm door wide open, as people walk by wondering what the hell it is I am watching. Often in many cases, my interests put me in a weird label that doesn’t truly describe me. But I refuse to hide who I am, mostly because when I did so in the past it ever-so-strongly backfired back into my face.

It is not only my strange sub-culture interests that label me weird, but also many other aspects I often find trouble pointing out. People, in general, avoid me, and in return I avoid people. Even when I do get that one person who seems to accecpt me for me, they are often heavily involved with a group of people who despise my presence. Even then, with those few people who enjoy me, especially if they are generally good people, I feel like deep down they only pity me. No way could anyone truly enjoy me. I give off good first impressions a lot of the time, but before I know it I am the name you hear in the wind, the whispers of people.

When I make friends, it doesn’t take long before they dislike me, and I dislike them, and then I dislike me.

But then I began to think maybe it is all in my head. I know my past is very real. Those experiences were not made up. Those stories you hear about children being bullied to the point of insanity - that was me and in no way am I proud of it. As a result, I dislike myself, I fear most people I live around. I think, always, that I hear their voices of disapproval. Of all people, and me, in a corner of shadowy confusion. I think everyone hates me to a point I begin to be the exact image I do not wish to be.

So when freshmen year rolled around and my eyes set on an interesting figure I often saw around, I made it my goal to step out of my comfort zone. I pushed back the voices of human disapproval, and tried to get to know this person. Yet, somehow, I succeeded and failed in many ways. I put myself out there, despite my heart pounding I approached people with all the courage I had. I tried, I really tried..however I much too often found myself putting a filter on, trying to keep quiet, cynical, bottling up my personality that was just fizzing to be released. And because of that, in the end I failed to make any social, outgoing friendships these past two years at university.

From my own pathetic self pity I recognized my unhappiness as simply loneliness. As such I slowly crawled back into my shell, tried to push back my desire to get to know the person that stuck out to me the most, and even more so got the insane idea that I would ever have a group of friends I could comfortably laugh with out of my head.

As I did this, time flew by, and the more I realized I didn’t reach my simple goal the sadder I became. I kept trying to look at all the positive aspects: the one friend I made at university that I cherish (however an isolated, simple friendship that resides in the confines of my room) I kept my head on my internship, that has kept me busy and has ultimately eliminated any possibility of approaching people during down-time. But in return it did fill a tiny gap, as my internship involves people and children, and of course the hyper middle-school hugs and greetings of my students brings a cap-full of happiness that I cannot deny. Despite despising my class schedule, and being so painfully busy most days, it has kept my mind on other things and thus time as seemed to fly by fast. And deep down I know I do not want time to fly by, deep down I still want to reach those silly goals, but I push through each day.

My mind settles on my spring semester to come, as I will embark on a journey around the world. Making this dream possible required sacrifices, much money, and so much hard work, but it will happen. And as I smile and imagine the places I will see, I shiver and cry at the reality of what might be my isolation on this experience as well. In the end, like many experiences of my past (minus a few rare instances that I miss dearly) I have always set off on journeys with intentions of making friends and experiencing it to the best way possible…but always, I was isolated, lonely, and just tagged along as those around me experienced a blissful bubble I just could not seem to be a part of. Or even worse, I lived a temporary blissful bubble before the nasty-human ways infiltrated and woke me to reality.

And still, I chase dreams…..





 
 
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