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Breaking Point
Exactly as the title says. Lately, I have had the hugest clashes of thoughts, along with people in my life...
For starters, trouble homebound. My grandma laughed at me for not doing the easiest chore correctly. Its hard to describe exactly what happened, but it would be comparing to like finding the lost button on a shirt. It's the closest I can describe. I feel terrible about myself, my grandma says I have no common sense to me all the time; its a very degrading feeling. But its a harsh truth I suppose, one time I even stuck a metal bowl in a microwave without even thinking of what would happen! Other things have also happened inside my house, but I don't want to make this entry super long.
Another thing that is troubling me is myself. My thoughts are clashing me rather strangely than normal when I'm alone to the point where I am I start to become frightened. These strange thoughts usually revolve around the past of how usually my step-mom and less frequently my dad and brother blamed me for many of the problems that was going on in our family bond. My dad and stepmother split, and my brother moved away. Now that my family bond is literally broken, pressure is more weighted on me than ever. I have feelings that everything is my fault when things go wrong, and what did I do to make it...
To help come to full understanding, my brother and I were practically social outcasts, mostly because we moved so often. We never actually had the time to develop friends, nor did we know very good skills. It used to be different however, up to the fourth grade, when we first moved, I was actually quite popular. People praised me for being myself and I was fairly known; in return, I strived to always try my best and do better. It all started to fall apart when that happened, and I became more emotional as I remembered those horrific days were I can just clearly remember my dad shouting at the top of his lungs at my stepmother, hearing the crashing of thrown objects and smashing of doors and walls. I also remember just waking up, walking near my dad's room, and see his bloodshot eyes, helplessly staring at the piles of bills that lay in front of his eyes. And this is where it all started; I began to question myself onto why my dad had to struggle. Was it something I did not do, or did not try hard enough? What could I do to help? It lingered with me then as it continues to do so now.
As it shifts earlier into my childhood, my grandma was a pretty strict old lady. Constant, constant, constant cleaning. I had to go to bed at this time, do this thing at another time, all without question nor delay. It all slowly built up to the point where I vowed to never ever tell someone to do something just because I wanted them to, unless I thought it would seriously hurt them, not me. Even then, I only suggested.
Although there is a way much larger story, those are the main essential parts as to why I am so stricken with sadness today. My family is literally a window shattered to pieces; what did I do to cause it? Moreover, recently, I have found a haven of light. I think what has happened that I have became so obsessed with this haven that I fear deeply to lose it. It's like kind of walking on a glass bridge; you now that bridge won't break. But what if it does? What if that bridge gives way? My problem is I am focused on "what if's" and not enough on all the joys I already have. But it is a spell hard to unbind from, it's the only road I've known. I, however, will not give up, and I will keep taking these blows not to preserve myself, but to create a better future for my future wife and children the one that I never held...

Good Night Miku, and the rest of my pigeons.

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