As I grew up, I realized that, although my family was poor in terms of finance, we had very rich expectations. That is, people expected a lot of us and we expected a lot of ourselves.
I didn't know how smart my family expected me to be until fifth grade. I had a very easy going teacher and she gave us extremely high marks. I experienced, for the first time, the joy of achieving a position among the highest students. That feeling of superiority was addicting. Since fifth grade, I became a high-achiever.
I also felt the reward of contributing to family pride.
Ms. Denolf, if you ever read this, you were my inspiration to intelligence.
Strange how, even if you don't know it, you can change someone's life so effortlessly.
But, although it's true fifth grade made me want to be smart, it didn't stop there. It evolved into part of me. I wanted to be smart not only for the sake of others, but for myself as well.
When a competition erupted within my class, I found myself practically struggling to maintain the title of first. It may sound conceited of me, but I don't think people understand my need to be the best. I get overwhelmed with a sense of insecurity when I know someone has beat me.
This is a problem. I need to humble myself, but I can't. I've been seen as the "smart" student for too long. It's depressing to begin considering the fact that I am negatively affected by the praise of others.
And here comes the truth...
I'm not that smart anymore. Time has changed, and I am a different person than who I was only a few years back.
The most obvious example of my fallback is Social. Oh, I never did like that class. My grades were barely enough for me not to be ridiculed by my relatives.
By relatives, I mean anyone who I can relate to. That is, a blood relative or a non-blood relative.
The last time I openly shared my grades was in the sixth grade, when our marks were posted on the class bulletin board anyway. Since then, my marks have been kept secret to the public.
Ha, I lied. They announced my overall average when I went up to claim a scholarship for grade seven... but I was lucky that year. I knew what junior high was like and I was far more prepared than any competitors.
Anyway, back to Social. This year especially, I feel like I am doing far too poorly to be appreciated as a person.
Mr. Marchuk, if you're reading this... Well, first off, happy birthday to your wife! She's quite a beauty. And, please ease up your way of marking. Oh, and if you're curious as to how I knew it was your wife's birthday, you told me. You won't remember though because it happened over a span of about 7 seconds. I know what she looks like because I've seen your wedding photo in the choir room. It was sitting on the conductor stand. I'm not creepy. I'm merely observant.
Anyhow, Social is my worst grade right now. I'm a very near to being considered a disappointment to my family. What makes it worse is that my friends are expecting me to do well, too.
And even worse, they still think I'm doing well because, as mentioned earlier, I don't openly share my grades. I want to tell them to stop encouraging me when I'm failing to much.
Here I am, a normal person with normal grades, but then why are you looking up to me? Why do you worship a being who is equal to you? Just... stop.
This is my confession. I am a role model to some, but I am flawed. I play the role of the old me but I model the current me. I am a walking contradiction.
Today's lyrics are:
I'll run out of this town
Oh, my love is true
Tell me, something I wouldn't do.
Comment below the song's artist and title and a reward shall be granted! That aside, thanks for reading this month's last confession session! G'night if it's nighttime. See you next entry!
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