i really suck at love. i barely talk to boys and im ashamed to say that i've never had a boy i could call a friend in my entire life.
sure, i've had tons of infatuations. notice how i didnt ude the word "crushes". there is a difference between a crush and an infatuation. a crush is a person that you know well enough or that you talk to somewhat frequently. a crush is someone that you can actually ask out and it wont be considered "stranger danger!!!" an infatuation on the otherhand is someone who you barely talk to, but you still like them for their looks or quirks. if you ask an infatuation out, it's like a random person off the street asking to have coffee with you. Ive only had few crushes in my life and even then one of them was just a dumb middle school phase i was going through. My previous entires about my "crush" can be considered an infatuation because the boy i liked (who was my partner in digital electronics) ended up in the hospital for 4 fraking months and when he came back he didnt talk to me at all.
Well it's been a year since then and I met this other boy. tbh, i was really creeped out by him at first because he claimed that he was a germaphobe, but he kept touching my schoolbag. also, the 2nd time i met him he told me "i see you evryday." and he would always call me "allyson's friend" every time he saw me instead of asking my name. last year, he ended up in my calc class and he told me to sit next to him. I sat 2 seats behind him instead. He would try to talk to me occassinally but i would always ignore him, give him a face, or shun him away. every time he opened his mouth was hell for me, he was just so damn annoying. whenever he saw me on the train and he wasnt with his friends he would sit nest to me and fall asleep on me. i despised my calc class so much and every time i saw his face was so frustrating. he eventually learned my name, but he always (and still does) say it wrong. seriously?! how hard is it to say my name?! it's THREE freaking letters! why would you add an extra letter?!
so yea, i was always really annoyed by him and i didnt really know how i felt about him. but this year, he's nott in any of my classes but i see him on the train sometimes. he's always with his friends though so he never approaches me. he only greeted me once this year so far and im embarrased to say this but: i kind of miss him. It was only recently that i realized that i actually had a crush on him. I would try to approach him again but the problem is: he likes someone else. ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh . . . it's all my fault. i HAD to shun him away. if i hadnt been such a bonehead i wouldve realized my feelings sooner and actually talked to him instead of rolling my eyes. and no, i dont like him because he's interested in someone else now. i liked him before he liked that other girl, but i waited too long to make a move. and i know he probably never ever had a crush on me at all, but if i had just been a little friendlier towards him, maybe something wouldve sparked.
seriously, i suck.