...It's been a while since I last did this, but given the mood I'm in I shall attempt to do the only thing that may possibly give me even just a little solace, in hopes that you, or perhaps someone else may read this one day...Though it doesn't seem likely at this point. After all, I'm nothing to you, aren't I? Not even worth your consideration anymore...
Never before has the weight of the world come crashing upon me as harshly as it has been in recent weeks. As it turned out, Christistina had finally decided to speak to me again, and even spend time with me. For a while, I was ecstatic. Overjoyed even. It might have seemed awkward, but I was with her again. The woman who could make my soul whole again. My better half.
But all was not to remain this way. As it turned out mere days after meeting her for the day and spending the day with her eating lunch, and even being invited back to her dorm room, I was abandoned once more. I didn't even know why either. Where had I gone wrong? What had I done? Was it something I said? Something I failed to do? I don't even know...
I tried excruciatingly hard to gain her attention once more in the next couple of weeks, but to no avail. Without her in my life, life seemed pointless--meaningless, even. All the weight of my past that I had carried upon my shoulders to this day had come crashing down upon me. After several attempts I finally convinced her to see me again on a Friday some weeks later, but this time was not to be quite so joyful as the last.
I accompanied her to the mall, where we wandered for a bit after gathering some of her favorite tea and some other various supplies from a local Japanese commodities store. Afterward, we had gone for lunch, as I had promised her days beforehand. She had just finished a major exam in her psychology class, and I wanted to congratulate her, and so I did. However, prior to then I had been restricting my diet rather harshly, as I had little will to live, let alone to eat anything at all. I bought her her meal, and merely sat there on the other side of the table as I observed her eating. She seemed concerned that I hadn't ordered anything for myself, however it did not appear to be for reasons which you might think. She was so cold and unfeeling the entire time, as if I were hardly even there and she were just going about her business like any other day. Her "concern" for me was likely merely that she simply did not wish to watch me suffer as I had been.
Finally, on the way back she presented me with an ultimatum of sorts: either go directly to my house to have a word with my mother, or go to the hospital. She no longer desired to be my friend in any form, and had shut me out completely. Needless to say, my will to live was all but gone at that point. In my anger I exited the vehicle and simply walked off. Not even I knew precisely where I was going. All I knew is that I did not wish to be there anymore--or anywhere for that matter. If I was to spend the rest of my days as nothing to her, what kind of existence would that truly be? A monster such as myself, whom had done so much damage in the past did not deserve to breathe the same air as his beloved, after all. And so, with a knife tucked away in my pocket, off I went--my destination unknown.
I was walking past the train tracks nearby when I had discovered that Christina had called the police on me on a suspected suicide attempt. I was immediately apprehended, and transported to the hospital where I would stay for the next twenty-four hours before I would even see the light of day again.
I was simply devastated by all of it. Not only had I lost the only woman I had ever truly loved forever, but at that moment, everything else had been taken from me as well. The police program I had been a part of for the past year prior had removed me on account of the recent incident, and all of my belongings were taken as well. My own father would not welcome me back into my home anymore. And so here I am, writing to you from my brother's apartment, just barely keeping the will to type, but attempting to do so merely to alleviate the pain--if only just minutely.
In the last several weeks alone I had both gained, and lost everything, and now here I lie--helpless and abandoned. Without purpose or drive to move forward at all. I simply write in the hopes that you, or perhaps someone else may someday understand my plight. All this pent up guilt and agony is growing ever stronger, and it becomes harder and harder to so much as breathe with each passing day that she ignores me.
And so my friends, here I lie. Helpless, hopeless, and alone. And all I can think of is that I am ever so sorry it has come to this. All I desire is just a little reconciliation. All I could hope for is to have my life back, in some way or another.
I suppose that's the only reason why I'm still breathing, let alone typing to you at all at this point...And even that grows ever more difficult by the day.
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