Think it for me...
I can't erase the stupid things I feel
Tonight, i did something so simple as to listen to... two minutes worth of music that brings me back to the past like nothing else. back then, my mind was so simple, and i was so filled up by everything. now, i fight day in and day out to capture things that inspire me, and preserve them somehow. i feel like if i don't immortalize every single beautiful moment, they'll get lost in the sea of my mind and i'll never find them again. it's become an obsession that no one really understands at all. everyone is so simple.
i listened to the quiet, beautiful music that connects me to the past with deep nostalgia. i listened to it, and i felt the sea running through my veins, and i immediately felt like i needed to write... i needed to write a part for a book in that moment, immediately. i need to get to a part in one of my stories where i can vent this feeling out and keep it forever. i see so many things about the ocean... from the idea of a hospital room deeply connected with the ocean. i see the room filled with seawater, and fish swimming, and barnacles on the walls and floor. it's a place connected with the mind of a sick boy, his hospital room, his mind, and the ocean. i also had the inspiration that made me start writing years ago, and i've already said what that was. but still... in these perfect moments of breathtaking inspiration, and deep feelings, i feel so incomplete. i feel so deeply incomplete, because one day... what if i can't recall the beauty of these things? will it ever be enough? will i ever capture enough moments and sit back, looking over all of them, and feel satisfied? because i think this could go on forever. when i was little, i remember thinking "i'm going to meet an amazing girl who is going to be just like me, and we're going to be together forever." or even "i'm going to meet a guy, and we'll be the best friends the world has ever seen, we'll be like brothers. we'll talk about stuff like this."
but that's never happened. i love my friends, but they just aren't that friend. they shouldn't be that friend... because they're them. and i love them. but i want that friend, i especially want that girl- but ever since i got a bit older, i've met so many people, and i even met a girl... and i've become so cynical because of the way everything turned out. people are so filthy, and love is so fake. i'm not finding her, and i'm not finding them. i'm not finding where i belong. i haven't nearly found where i belong... and for longer periods of time than i am proud of, i've even stopped looking.
so... these moments. what do i do? do i try to immortalize them, usually failing, and then have them forever? or, is that ruining the moments as they come? do i just feel them, and realize that they make me feel amazing, and i don't have to materialize them into something someone can else can look at, as long as i have felt such feelings in my life? or... will all of those moments get lost in my mind forever?
my head is bursting open, and i'm so confused and obsessed and incomplete and empty and unsatisfied. Manaphy reached Lv.100 tonight, with the Rare Candy Yancy's Meowth was holding. I dove to the Abyssal Ruins and fed Manaphy the Rare Candy while listening to Surrounded Sea's theme, and them Miracle Sea's theme, from the biggest inspiration i've felt, ever since i was little- the beauty of Pokemon Mystery Dungeon Explorers of Darkness. its world, its music, everything within it inspired me deeply back then, and is the basis of my imagination today.
i heard that music, and i remembered... i remembered being in my sisters room, while she played Valkyrie Profile. i remember my brothers were playing it with her, and they were all having fun, while i was playing the end of Pokemon Mystery Dungeon for the first time. back then, that was when all this started. i didn't even know it. i feel like... if i could go back to those people, that place... would i be where i belong? have things really changed, or is it just my mind? i want to feel at home... i want to feel like i'm in a place where i don't have to store feelings inside myself until i become bitter and insane. i want someone. i want someone who is unlike every other simple minded person i have met... and more than that, i want them to have memories like me. i want that person, and then, maybe i can be somewhere i belong. maybe everywhere i go with them will be where i belong... but after seeing the world's people, i see that i was starry eyed back then. people are so much worse than i thought... everything is so much worse than i thought. i want to stop feeling this way. i hate feeling this way, and it makes me insane. i want to be somewhere i belong, somewhere where things are right. i haven't found what will make me less empty... i haven't even scratched the surface.
You're better than me...
I struggle just to find a better way
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