Hey guys I hope you're all doing good. I'm okay. I haven't been online as much in the past week or so because I've had a toothache. I went to the dentist yesterday and today it hurts a little but not as bad.
Anyways I wanted to make this journal to talk about my granny. I think I've mentioned her on here before but I like to blog to get my feelings out so here it goes...
My granny died on July 10th, 2011. I graduated high school exactly one month before that and she was miles and miles away in the hospital at the time. She didn't see me get my diploma that day. Only a few days after I graduated we went to Kentucky (where she lived) and visited her. Her health was declining more and more every day. I felt as though my heart was literally breaking as I saw her in her early to mid stages of Alzheimers. She didn't remember my mom, my dad, or my brother, but she remembered me. She knew exactly who I was. I'd hold her hand and kiss her forehead and just pray to God to please let her stay here with me. :'(
She had cancer for years, but at the time cancer seemed like a faraway thing to me. She had survived cancer for so long and I never thought she'd die from it. I just thought she'd keep getting treatment and medicine and chemo and it would somehow go away. But I was wrong. It had spread all over her body.
It wasn't always like that though. I remember growing up and my granny being very independent. She lived on her own, took care of others in her apartment building, cooked big dinners, and got along pretty well. She had hip replacements and a couple of other things here and there, but for the most part I always thought she was healthy. And I loved her. I sat in her lap up until the time I was 17 years old and she would just hold me. When we went out to eat I'd always sit next to her and we'd talk. I would write her poems and draw her pictures and they stayed on her fridge for years. She always told me how proud she was of me and that meant so, so much to me.
Fast forward to July. It was a hot summer day and my mom, my sister, and I were on the way to JC Penney's getting new clothes for the funeral we soon expected. I remember not having anything to wear to the funeral and I needed new dress pants. It was then that my aunt called us on my mom's cell phone and let us talk to my granny on the phone. She was dying then. I told her I loved her and that I would be down to see her. There were tears streaming down my face. She had passed away just a half an hour afterwards.
Her funeral was unreal to me. There was a slideshow of pictures of her life and each one made me cry more and more. I wanted to see her for just one more day. She already knew how much I loved her but I just wanted to tell her again. She wa buried with a poem I wrote her. Part of my heart left with my granny that day.
Now it's been over 2 years later. Some days are easy, some days are hard. All it takes is a song, a picture, or a memory, and all the pain comes back. I feel so sad that she's gone and I feel even worse because she didn't even know who her family was when she died. She was in so much pain and there was nothing I could do.
There will always be that selfish want. But I've learned to accept that she's in heaven now, happier than she's been in a long, long time. She's floating free above the clouds with not a single cancer cell in her body. She's my angel watching over me. She's my granny and not even years after her death will I ever stop loving her. I didn't lose her. She's still with me, just in a different way. I know she'll always be proud of me and she'll always love me. And I admire her for her strong, ferocious fight. But I'm also happy that after 75 years on this earth, she's back home now, with God.
I love you Granny. I promise I'll never forget you.
· Tue Oct 08, 2013 @ 04:57pm · 0 Comments