So it's become a casual daily occurrence for the thought of killing myself to cross my mind. Like, I could be having a completely normal, or even a good day, and I'll still think about how I'd rather be dead than wandering around in this world. I'm carried by two heavy feet and held prisoner by a body that I absolutely hate.
It's starting to feel like a positive, comforting thought. I used to think of it normally, being scared of the emptiness or leaving people behind... Don't get me wrong, the biggest thing holding me back to this day is how I don't want to leave my friends behind. I can't stomach it. The least I can do with my worthless existence is to try to make them happy. (But then I still fail to do that sometimes. I can't get anymore useless, really.)
I'm tired of lying about the little things. I'm just barely accepted as a lie, so if anyone knew the small truths, I would never be accepted again.
Not by people I desperately seek it from every day.
I hate having to beg for affection and reassurance that I'm loved.
Being deprived of emotional needs has just left me nothing but tired. I can't even replenish myself because I can't provide that comfort for myself.
I know there are people out there who like me, but I don't care about that.
I don't care if people I don't care about are 'rooting for me'. It doesn't mean a damn thing to me. They don't know everything and don't deserve genuine gratitude if they haven't been here to see the worst of me. It's just simple ignorance. I can't blame them for that, but it's just how it is.
If I'm dead, I won't have to think about anything anymore. I won't have to worry or feel sad. No more hating myself or wishing other people would treat me with the love I give to them. I'll just be nothing.
Most people are terrified of that, but I think it's comforting.
Now all I need is a way out.