i think i've made to that point in my life where i ask my self the question.
you know the end all be all question of life. Why am I hear? what is the point and what is my perpes. it a thought that has been lingering in my head for quite a while but this is the first time i have thought about facing it head on. I dont know if this is the right thing to do or not but have decide that im gonna go ahead and try. Some thing confuse me like how you know how some people from the point when the are little kids know exactly what they plan to do when they grow up. like it was there calling they just know. well me i have never known what my calling is it just seems to be blank like at regestation to be conseaved some one left that line blank. it like my reasons to do what i want to do with my life are all wrong. like right know i want headed down a path that will end up making me an engineer. but i sux at math so it seems form the get go that i dont have a chance in hell of making it. anyway im not sure if my motivations are correct. it like i tell my self and other people that the reason that im doing it is becaucse like doing this stuff and that when im done the goal is to build cars. but deaph down i know the the real motivation is money. and that the only motivation. its like im will isn't my own i kinda feel like a puppet on a strings while im good at faking movement i will never acheve that grace and flowidid of a real living thing. ok no this is less a question thing and more geting some problems off my chest. i kinda feel like a dont fit in in any social situation like im the odd man out. so i end up becoming the observer of conversations instead of an influnce like im kinda just watching the world go by. maybe that why i have made my personaly social rules liek you can't hang out unless there is 3 people. 2 people dont make a convesation. and 4 or more just feels like a crowd and im the person that just kinda there. i also kinda feel like im kinda the friend that know one likes. like im being keep around so people can hate on me behind my back. it doesnt help that my mom works as hard as she can to break my self estem. so far she is excelling. i think she finds joy im making im world horrible. ( i wouldn't say a living hell cus it not that bad i guess but i feel that i shouldn't be that jugde of that). since i gonna to college i have had one friend who ended up being a leach useing me to get what she wanted. so now i have none. i just sit in front of a PC and talk to people on gaia. there my friends now... Ha friend... people i have never met before i have never seen and i dont know who they really are. these are the people i call friends. well i guess it could be worst i could be that kid the sits in the corner as keeps to himself. wait i am that kid. i live in a fantasy world now i spend my free nonPC time daydreaming it almost sad. i need to meet more people. but here in lies the problem. the way i operate is i dont activelly look for friends its like i wait for the people to talk to me or i'll just join in to a conversation with the people around me. i dont try to get to know people. its like i have this mentality that if they dont want to talk to me they dont want to know me. even tho i know the truth is if i dont talk how can people know me. i think im starting to get redundent -_- and your a journal it kinda sad that i care what the jorunal may think about what i have written in it even tho it is an inanimet object, well since this is a web journal it not even an object, like it has feeling or it gonna complane about how boring or stupid my prioblems are im so weird well anyway goodnite and untill next time
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