February 9th, 2013
I'm used to not feeling my legs by now--after all, they're also regularly jabbed and bruised through no fault of my own. But the skin on my ribs under my breasts is so soft and clean and tender, and it feels so raw and acutely painful. It's a very intimate location, and it used to be when a boy was touching me and his hand grazed right there I would be so sensitively aware and warm. I don't suppose that will happen anymore, if the skin is rough from scarring. It is so startling and sad to realize how your skin before cutting will never look or feel the same afterwards--it can never go back. But I hope one day I can look at those scars and say, "those are from when I used to cut," without feeling the itch to do it again or the shame of having done it or the hatred of the body on which it was inflicted.