January 17th, 2013
I have been controlling myself for far too long. I just want to cry and throw things and pound on the wall but I can't get past those walls I've put up, even when I'm alone, and I'll be so angry and frustrated and full of hate and shame, and I'll just sit there calmly, feeling angry and ashamed and frustrated and hateful but it's like it's struggling through something, and on the surface I'm flat and controlled. And I can cut while feeling flat and controlled, but afterwards I feels so relieved, like some it isn't smothered beneath that control, it's outside of me, and I didn't hurt anyone else like screaming or breaking things would. And I want to cut right now I want to cut so badly but I can't I can't I can't because one day, people will find out but then I can say I used to cut. Even though it helps and the pain feels like a relief, every time I see someone I'm embarrassed, thinking how much it would hurt Mom, how ashamed I would be [if people found out].