My friend who is very important to me asked me to write him a tbh yesterday, and so I did. For lack of an entry, I'll post it here. I mean, it has been on my mind a lot recently, and I need more brain space. So... here it is!
Oh, and btw, it's in block format because when I write to him, I don't separate my ideas. I just write.
"To be honest, Ron, you’re an irreplaceable person in my life. Had it not been for you, I don’t know where I would be right now. I don’t remember why anymore, but my every living day used to be miserable. I’ve complained about it to you several times, I’m sure. I remember waking up and knowing it was going to be a bad day. I remember waking up feeling awesome, and then becoming sad because I thought that I spent all my happiness for the day in the morning. Most of the time, this seemed to be true. I remember crying myself to sleep nearly every night and then having to wake up with weird eyes. >< Point is, I used to really hate my life. I don’t even know why. To this day, I can’t remember what it was that made me so sad back then. What I can recall is a very special person who saved me from that darkness. I’m referring to you, if you haven’t already caught on to that. It’s so strange to be thinking back on it now. I want to say I’ve changed a lot since I’ve met you, but that’s not entirely true. Truth is, when I MET you for the very first time, I still had hope for Calvin, my grade two crush. I ignored you, pretty much, like I did with most guys. But after you moved away and we started talking, I feel like I started getting to know you better. I didn’t change much when I met you, but I changed a bunch when I got to know you. When I started junior high, I started using the public transit as my way to go home. At first, I walked to the train station, and then later walk to the bus stop, and after that, I’d walk home. Gradually, though, my pace quickened and eventually, I found myself running home. Running from what, you might ask? Nothing, really. I was running TO something… or rather, someone. I can’t explain how excited I was to get home and chat with you. I would unlock my door, deactivate the alarm, and immediately turn on the computer. My whole world just brightened up a little every time I saw that green circle beside your name. I didn’t know it back then, but you were already so important to me. We would talk. You know this part, don’t you? Gosh, we talked for hours upon hours. I remember you asked me if it was okay to like three girls. I asked you if it was okay to like three guys, and that was, like, my confession… kind of. I didn’t mean to confess, but it was late at night and my brain wasn’t thinking straight. But hey! How can I think straight when the world is round, right? Oh, I remember your constant love statements. Every day, you’d say “I love you” sometime in our conversation. You said it so many times. I’ve read it so many more times. But, you know, it was lonely. You were the happiest part of my life, and you weren’t always with me. That’s when I started talking to Imaginary Ron. He’s just like you. Well, he’s exactly what I think you’re like. The only difference is that he would be by my side, and, well… you wouldn’t. There were plenty of times when I wanted to see you in the flesh, but the idea of going out of my way to see a person who was “just a friend” seemed unreasonable and, thus, scary. I realize now that you are much more than just a friend. If only I had known back then, maybe things could’ve been different. Maybe we could have been more than just “more than friends.” That sounded awkward; more than more than friends. I remember going to your Christmas gala. You invited me many times, but the actual acceptance of the invitation was only a tad before going for real. Your band, compared to my band, was surprisingly good. Even with a different constructor, you guys were several upon several times better than the band at St. Monica. After you guys played your pieces and the gala ended, I walked around a bit. I didn’t know what to think. What if I didn’t see you in the end? What if I couldn’t recognize you and we just passed by each other without knowing? But I did recognize you. I still freaked out, though. I handed you the money that I decided I owed you. I could have sworn I counted $169.00, but you’ve told me time and again that it wasn’t that amount. Did I ever tell you why I gave you that money? Well, initially, when the idea first popped in my head, it was so that you can buy a new phone and we could text again. I realized that having a phone is much more than just owning a phone model. You’d need to pay for texts and calls and all that jazz, so then, that “$169.00” became a form of thanksgiving. You gave me happiness, I gave you the only thing I could easily give you; money. I’m not rich, but I don’t use money either. That’s why I didn’t feel a great loss of giving away that money. I started writing the “Dear Ron” journal entries in November of 2011. Since you were so far away, the journal made me feel that you were just that much closer. Here’s where I started having memory problems again. I’m saying “again” because I’m convinced that I unnaturally forgot parts of my childhood. After I started writing the journal… I don’t know. My memory kind of fades here. Oh! But I do remember the feeling I got (and still get) when I read our MSN conversation. I don’t want to admit that I loved you simply because I’m not one to believe love is an available feeling at such a young age. However, if I did love you, that means I fell in love with you, right? It was the feeling of falling in love that I got every time I read a part of our MSN conversation. If I may say it, I fell in love with you over and over and over again. I don’t know if I like you like that to this day. I want to say that I don’t, but then I’d feel like I’m lying. I want to say that I do, but a part of me has gotten over you. One thing stands true, though. The me from MSN definitely had special feelings for you. Every time I read that conversation history file, I feel like I’ve become that version of me again, the version where you were the light in my emptiness. Aaaaand, I should probably work on my lab. Was all this honest enough for you? "
And that's it! I almost want to label this as a "Confession Session," but I feel like that's cheating. Anyhow, try to guess the title and artist of this song:
I feel something so right yet
doing the wrong thing
I feel something so wrong yet
doing the right thing
I could lie, could lie, could lie
Everything that kills me makes me feel alive
It's rare that I have more than four lines of a song, but that's how it is today! Comment your guess and you'll be rewarded if you're right.
Goodnight if it's nighttime where you are! Until next time!
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