I'm in pain... more than physical...
I am just such a failure at life.
All I do is fail, fail, fail....no matter how hard I try to succeed.
I think one reason this hurts so much is because I hoped too much. I had the nerve to think, when my coworker mentioned retiring, "5 years... I can suffer through 5 years of not having enough money to pay the bills... I just have to get through those 5 years and I should have enough experience to get the job and then I'll be okay".... well I'm not okay. I don't have the job. I have the most experience but no seniority. My experience at the job mean nothing. My hopes to just be able to pay the bills mean nothing. Does anyone care? Not really. All anyone here cares about is advancing ... I don't care about that, I just want enough to live on. I really couldn't care less about benefits and stuff.... I just want to be able to stop panicking every time I get a bill. Wondering what I'll have to cut next. I have a feeling I'll have to keep the heat at a minimum this winter, not sure my sister will agree... she seems to care more about her own comfort than being able to pay for it.
Right now jumping off a building seems like a good answer. If I don't die I'll at least feel pain... right now I feel like I deserve pain... I deserve to be punished for failing so miserably at life.
I'm getting close to 40 and I have nothing to show for it. No full-time job, no car, no kids, no love life or even a prospect of one..., no anything that you're supposed to have by like 30. I fail... plain and simple. What's the point of living a failed life? Game over...