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Lilly's Diary
personal thoughts here
Wonderful ******** week!
Not. -_-;

Fiance/Girlfriend of about 6 years broke up with me. It was partially my fault (60%, I'll say) but ********. What can I do about it? I can't convince someone to stay with me. I can't fix ******** emotions.. it's not a logical problem with mechanical parts that I can take out and repair. I cant' use money to fix emotional problems.. I can't buy the things that I broke. I can only let people heal.

She's going to still live with me, because I can't ******** live alone. I know I can't, and she knows I can't. We're not together though.. and at first, I thought we may have hope.. but.. nah. Not after today. Atleast I still have someone to live with, right? Logically, it'll help with the bills and transportation.. so it's much less stressful. Emotionally.. I could likely live alone.. or so I tell myself. I don't know if I actually could.. I don't know what would happen, besides me becoming a full on robot. Not a terrible ******** thing, atleast not to me. Maybe i'm already halfway there. maybe.

Today, my friend who I've known for AGES, I don't even know how long I've known him, that's how long it's been... he's calling it quits because i ******** up (SURPRISE! oh wait no surprise at all) because I apparently revealed information to a ******** psycho, that wasn't as open as I thought it was.

This guy, I don't know if he's actually a psycho or not, but he's a control freak. No big deal. He likes to start drama, yadda yadda... fine. I don't ******** care.. but I'm trying to make ******** friends, and if he pits people against me... and gets them to hate me, just for his own ******** amusement? I won't let that happen. I'm getting to know a few of these people.. and they're very friendly. They're very warm to me. I'm not used to that. I still act cold-ish.. well, I guess, detatched? towards the chat in general.. but that's because I don't want them to know I'm getting emotionally attached. I don't want them to know that I'm beginning to consider them friends. What if they don't consider me one?

What if they laugh at me, "PFF WHAT? YOU? OUR FRIEND? LOL Dart you dumbass, you're just here to entertain us!"

Like the ******** circus. I show up, put on my act, I please the crowd, and when they get bored of me, I move on. I'm a ******** living circus. Gather round and watch the show, because the lion tamer forgot to feed the lion, and it's going to be reaaall ******** interesting.

I'm paranoid. I have every right to be. People, generally, are pretty ******** up. if I assume everyone hates me, it won't hurt if they actually do. If I assume no one cares about me, and that I'm not actually making friends, it won't hurt if they actually aren't, and I really am just a side attraction. Maybe that's ******** melodramatic.

Guess what? It's called years of ******** experience. People tell you straight up.. "Oh.. I didn't really care. I only came here for a few laughs. Live in the moment, don't get so attached." This is why I don't make new friends. I'm starting to make new friends, and they seem like they actually care. Maybe it's because we're all adults and we share a common interest.. but who the ******** knows. I don't feel like a ******** adult. I feel like i'm 16. I've felt like I was 16 since I was ******** 16. I don't feel like i'm an adult, I feel like i'm a kid who's been thrust into this life where all of the sudden, he's pissing everyone off and ******** everything up, and all he wants to do.. ALL HE ******** WANTS IN THE WORLD, IS A FEW COOL PEOPLE TO PLAY GAMES WITH.

So I get scared that some apparently sadistic a*****e is going to take that away from me for a laugh. Alright, I'll get to know this guy, figure out his motives. Figure out when he's ******** with me, so I can do damage control before he can tear s**t up. Find out s**t to use against him, so I can get him to back the ******** off and ******** leave, for good. Of course I can't say that, people tell me it sounds stupid. I don't think about things the way most people do.

So I use the little, un-important bits of information, I thought, but apparently that was wrong. Red isn't the kind to spread that information everywhere, he's the kind to weaponize it and watch you squirm.. which he apparently did. I thought I knew Frost well enough to assume what I told him wasn't an issue. I thought he'd see why I was doing it, to protect the chat from ******** Red, but apparently no, that wasn't what happened. Instead, it blew up in my face. Whatever. I didn't tell Red everything, I showed Frost exactly what I ******** told Red.. but nope. Wasn't good enough, so he's calling it quits.

Fine, ******** fine. Whatever.

If I think someone is going to exit my life forever, I mentally cut them out. They hate me, so there's no going back. No reason to get hurt and feel all this ******** pain, they're gone and crying won't make them come back. I've lost so many good people, I've lost so many close friends to the stupidest ******** s**t, not always my fault.. but ********. There's a point where you've hurt so much, your body just doesn't want to hurt anymore. Your body is physically tired of hurting.

I just wanted to make friends, and goof around. I was doing so well, too.. and now everything is ******** blowing up in my face.

it is taking every ounce of strength I have to not go full on "******** IT" mode, and push everyone as far away from me as possible. Insult them, yell at them, tell them they're all ******** stupid asses and I never cared about them anyways, whatever it takes to hurt them so much they go away.. because knowing I ******** up accidentally hurts so ******** much.

I'm not doing it though. I'm trying to be an adult.. I ******** up, so I'll give everyone time to figure out they don't want to be around me.

So fine.. He can go. I'll just make ******** new friends and hope I don't ******** up this bad the next time around.

I saw an image on tumblr. It's a text message.
Person 1: What's wrong?

Person 2: Nothing.

Person 1: Are you sure?

Person 2: No, but it's not like you would care, no one cares. People just ask others if they're okay to try and find out gossip, which will then be used against you. So I'll just go with nothing's wrong. It's easier than dealing with the drama of your true feelings.

The thing is, this got marked as "depression", "mental disorder", etc. Like.. the ******** it is? THAT'S LEGIT. THAT IS HOW THINGS ******** WORK! It's not depressing, it just means ******** people deal with your s**t and live your ******** life. Don't cry and moan because it -will- bite you in the a**.

I quit crying and moaning to people a long time ago. They ask me what's wrong.. and when I tell them, I get s**t like "Oh, you're at fault" or "Oh, you X" or "XXX" like.. I'm not looking for a solution.. I'm looking for a ******** shoulder to cry on god damnit. I'm ******** hurting and looking for a little sympathy, not a solution. YOU CAN'T FIX EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS.. they just have to heal. You don't fix a broken heart, it mends.

So, yeah. I ******** up, and now I'm paying the consequences. Fine.. I get it. it feels too easy though.. it feels like people are falling away far too ******** easily. Maybe this is all in lilith's divine ******** plan.. I'm just going to be a robotic old man, living alone in a ******** lighthouse. I don't know.

I really don't know.





 
 
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