Dear Lord, I have terrible luck with guys. I'm beginning to crave for a relationship, but at the same time I'm scared. I prefer LDR's more, but at the same time, I really just wanna cuddle and watch movies.
A platonic relationship. No sexual tendencies. No? Yes? .___.
Not to mention that I sit next to this one kid in my Geometry class that looks like a mature, taller version of my ex. My goodness, it's almost a splitting image. And my crush from last year is hanging out with my old bus buddy... And I think I was getting hit on in Chemistry class by this one guy.
If I was more bold, and had more confidence in myself, I wouldn't have to worry about this. Ah, how should I put this... Not only is that going around in my head, but like, there's these other things that are just getting me down.
Ex; One of my friends don't seem to know of a situation that sort of traumatized me. Which isn't always...good or cool... Because all of a sudden she sent me a picture of this guy that I used to like... and I have no idea why I used to like him. Like, after what he's done to me, he's just drop dead unattractive in my eyes. What happened? Alright;
The chick that messaged me about him used to date him for a week. And for some reason, I just randomly started to like him. And I used to go to this community park all the time back then, so everyone would know. Of course, I think he was aware of it... After they broke up, my feelings for him just shot up because I was hoping that maybe I have a chance. Maybe I can make him mine. I have no idea why, but that was all. I guess that was my selfish motivation.
Moving on, I tried confessing to him once. How'd it go? Well, I'll just leave it at he smoothly dodged it. I didn't notice it until a little bit after though, and my memory is still quite shaky about this whole situation (basically this whole story, so no major details will be put in since my memory is just terrible) and then when I noticed that I was rejected, I did cry. One of my old friends gave me their shoulder as well. And must I mention that this was the first time I tried and cried so hard for a guy? Yeah, not important to you but to me it was. I fell for him hard, so I decided to get more determined and try again... Even though my self-confidence was a bit tarnished.
So because of that, I asked that same old friend to ask him what he thinks about me. This is the part that I took deeply. And it's the part that will always stay forever vivid in my mind. Apparently, I'm not worthy. (Not what he said, but like I said I do have terrible memory. So something among those lines...) And that he rejected me because I was "Ugly."
Alright, got that off my chest. Hopefully it was understandable...or not. But yeah. That wasn't the final thing that happened to make me despise him. Him being nice to me at all was just trash. So that same girl that sent me a picture of him (Let's call her A) invited me along to go to townsquare with her. I did, and apparently she made me tag along with her on a date.... Totally third wheel yes... But then I became friends with her bf (They are broken up now. And this bf shall be named B) on facebook and I just merely joked around, commenting on his status.
Where am I going with this you ask? Wait for it.
That guy that rejected me for being "ugly" commented a bunch of rude things. Such as " B is dating A! Stop trying to hit on him! Just ******** leave him along ******** dammit" or "get a life" or "Get your own bf c**t" and such.
Let me repeat, I cried for this guy. And I got rejected twice by him. (One indirectly...I took that on my account.)
Back to my point, the girl that sent me a picture of him made me utterly depressed. I want to tell her about the situation, but nah. Him and her are "besties". I'm not fond of him, but I am NOT the type to control other people's friendships. And I would say she's insensitive a bit, even after I told her that I wasn't fond of him, but yeah. Rereading the convo I had with her just makes me mad... I'm so anxious to tell her but.. ugh.
The thing internet does.
And I would go on, and talk more about my depressions and stories, but I'm at the end of my rope here. Honestly, I'm on the verge of tears just thinking about it. But she's a good friend. I don't want to lose her..
Well it's been a while, so here we go...
I used to use this from lyrics and stupid things, but now all I know is that i can use it for my frustrations, since I can't really trust anyone. Why not just pull up a chair and sit on it? I don't mind people reading my life. Go for it.