So a few days ago, my friends asked me if I was going to get a boyfriend during high school. I answered with a confident "no," but I suddenly feel like writing more about that.
I don't know if you know, but I read manga. I also watch anime and dramas and all that stuff, but at the moment, that doesn't matter. Anyway, within the many manga I read, the story takes place in high school.
Oh, I should probably confess something right about now. I usually read manga categorized as a romance. I don't have an excuse.
In a lot of the manga I read, the female protagonist is entering high school and looking to start a new love. This is because high school offers the closest thing to a fresh start until you reach university. In my manga, the females are usually searching for their first love because for some bizarre reason, they've never experienced it before.
I say that it's a bizarre reason because I experienced my so-called "first love" in grade two with a quiet boy named Calvin. Thinking back, it wasn't your typical grade two crush. My fondness for him stayed with me for a while. I may even still like him. I'm proud to say my first love didn't die with time and distance.
Since then, I have had another major fondness for someone, one minor fondness for someone, and the deal with number nine (if you've read my previous entries). That's quite the handful, don't you think?
But never EVER did I consider getting a boyfriend. At the moment, personally, the status of boyfriend and girlfriend seems silly. But... I can see why it exists. If there wasn't such a status, the sense of loyalty to your partner would diminish considerably.
Think about it. If you liked someone, but you two were still in the friendzone, that entitled any other love rivals to take your --for lack of a better word-- lover.
When number nine started dating, I didn't get jealous. I actually felt happy for him, which made me question a few things. First, it made me wonder what I actually felt for him, because I thought envy was part of the love package. Second, it made me wonder what the importance of dating is. Why date?
A few years ago, I met a classmate. Let's call him Jared. Now, Jared had a friend, but since I'm not on a personal level with this friend, I'll leave his name out. Jared and I weren't best friends, but I believe our level of trust with each other was, and hopefully still is, incredible. Just to make things clear, we didn't like-like each other. We kind of had different sexual orientations.
Although he did ask me out one time, but I'm sure that was just a spur of the moment thing. Jared, if you're reading this, sorry for spilling a bit of your life in here. I know you probably don't mind but I'm apologizing just in case.
Anyhow, Jared had a friend and I talked to him every now and then. It's not rare for people to talk to friends of friends. We talked about a lot, Jared's friend and I. We talked about the universe, mainly, and a few other things. Among the other things, we talked about dating.
Now, one must wonder, how does a conversation drive from the universe to dating? Well, out of nowhere, he asked me out as well. Of course, I rejected it, because 1.) I share no special feelings and 2.) I don't want to date. He asked me why, and I told him that there's no point in dating, or something like that. And he told me,
"You date for experience. When you date different people, you get to know which traits you like and don't like. Eventually, you'll find someone who you want to spend the rest of your life with. You don't just find your spouse out of luck."
...Okay. He didn't actually say that. He did say something similar, but the above is just how I interpreted it.
That really made me think. I didn't want to get married for most of my life.
I have an uncle who wasn't married and he was living the life. But he got married two months, maybe three months ago. So much for that, eh?
He was the one who unknowingly supported my idea that a single life is good.
The third person I came to like, my minor crush (?), got me thinking about marriage, too. No, no, no, I didn't want to marry him. But he asked me out, and I rejected him as well. I did like him at the time, but I couldn't see our happy ending (as I'm prone to being psychic). He asked me why not, and I told him I planned to grow up single so there's no point in dating now. And he asked me,
"What will you do when you get sick in the future? Who's going to take care of you?"
Sweet words, eh? He was a nice person when he was with me, but the reality dares to differ.
Regardless, these words stuck with me even until this day. I do realize that husband and wife care for each other, but the idea of a caretaker isn't very appealing to me. Not yet, at least.
I told him that since I was going into the medical department, I would probably be able to fix my own health problems. This was, of course, a bluff. He doesn't know much about post-secondary, so I could quite literally say anything to him about it.
But, the truth is, I'm scared. I got sick once and had to stay home by myself. Sure I have a cat, but he's an outdoor cat. He didn't want to stay inside to keep me company, so the house was quiet.
I'm not one to be scared of silence, but it makes me anxious when the silence is partial. If a plastic bag begins to unravel, I freak out. Little sounds make me think I have unwanted company.
Not only was I scared, but since I was ill, everything seemed like a challenge. I could do it by myself, but it wasn't easy.
At this point, I no longer liked this minor crush (?), so I couldn't inform him on my changed ways. I don't want to say your name, but I hope you know how you are. I've changed. I don't like you much now, but I wish I could have changed back when I did like you.
Oh my. I just read our last few conversations together, and I was so cold. I'll write an apology entry later, maybe.
Um, I forgot what my point was.
Oh! He then told me that he would take care of me in the future, and I said that I would just go to the hospital or something like that.
Anyway, backing up quite a bit, I was pretty set on being single my whole life.
I didn't feel like I needed anyone, until number nine came along and he made me realize that life it pretty happy when you get to be with someone you're fond of.
We never dated, number nine and I, but we did in my dream. JUST TO CLARIFY, I CAN'T CONTROL MY DREAMS. Mkay, moving on.
I think I want to get married. I don't know about the having children part, but marriage is definitely an option now.
I don't know WHEN I changed my opinions on my own marriage. I'm thinking it was when people started asking me out, and then later asking why I rejected them.
To all the guys who have previously liked me, thanks. I may hate you now, maybe not, but you've contributed to my past and, ultimately, to my future.
If marriage sucks, I'm going to hate all the guys who made me think otherwise.
Anyway, have you read the title of this entry? High school boyfriend, it says.
Right now, I don't want a boyfriend, nor am I looking for one. I'm kind of going with the flow. If someone comes along who I see as a potential mate, and he finds me attractive, then maybe I'll go on a more personal level with him. I might not even date him, but I don't know.
Man, this is awkward.
I don't think it's impossible for me to date in my high school years, but currently, to have such a person in my life seems like a bother.
I did say "no" when my friends asked me about it, and I SOUNDED pretty confident, but the answer isn't set in stone.
If I do end up dating while in high school, then I have a message for my boyfriend.
Dear future boyfriend,
Don't make me regret accepting you.
Okeedokes. That concludes today's entry. Thanks for reading and g'night if the darkness rests above your roof.
Today's lyrics are:
My soul is broken
Streets are frozen
I can’t stop this feelings melting through
And I’d give away a thousand days
Oh, just to have another one with you
Comment the song's title and artist, and a reward shall be granted! Yay for self-promotion. I do realise that journal-reading isn't a big thing on gaia, but who knows? Maybe one day, my journal will be pretty popular. It's a cool memento to leave behind when I die, too. Er... yeah. Until next time!
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