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just watch me.
snarl
hi. so, back in this writing groove.

good timing.

after a few day road trip, we have arrived in Nashville.

we as in my mother and I.

Left Thursday morning at 6, spent last night in St. Louis, and arrived here around 3:30ish.

It's frustrating. Mother is not very nice to my car, so it gets bad gas mileage, and she puts the steering wheel at a stupid angle so the blinker doesn't work half the time.

which is really, really bad news when you're trying to change lanes on a freeway.

I was totally fine, but things quickly got out of hand as we checked in today.

very awesome hotel, by the way. it's a suite, so we have a living area separate from the bathroom and bedroom.

anywho.

she wanted to explore.

during rush hour.

in an unfamiliar and very cramped part of town
full of impossibly rich snobs
that showed they had money by their ULTRA NICE houses and manicured lawns.

... and no sidewalks.

so after a short drive to find tomorrow's HQ (which i was also not liking because we were trespassing on private property to see my apartment), she wanted to walk there on foot.

with no sidewalks

and rush hour.

it was loud.

i didn't want to be there.

we got halfway there, and I couldn't go another foot.

it was blowing my circuit.

i didn't like that the car was packed to the brim with my s**t, and she wanted to park it as close to the building as possible, so EVERYONE who walked past saw my s**t.

so i moved my car.

(& it had trouble starting. my poor baby...)

and then she wanted supper.

after all the s**t I've eaten today, i was dumbfounded she was still hungry.

so we tried to make it to a cracker barrel.

welp, that went out the window when I was two degrees short of losing my temper with the phone app i was attempting to use to get us there (I didn't like it talking to me, and it WOULDN'T SHUT UP) and it was so loud i couldn't tell mom to change lanes and then when she did get the message, the goddamn blinker wouldn't work, so she couldn't move.

we found a small strip mall thing with a panera, and i played solitare and messed with my phone (also frustrating; i decided to un-link my gmail and hotmail accounts because i was getting doubles on my phone, but all the ancient messages from hotmail were showing up) and was still fuming and didn't speak the entire time.


yep, another angry redhead moment.


I wasn't hungry yet she wanted to eat, my car isn't working correctly, there aren't sidewalks, and I've just about had it with the shitheads on facebook who are SO EXCITED FOR TOMORROW THEY CAN'T WAIT.ASDFL;AHIJWSTKLHJERLDFKJHLSGKJERLFJA;OLSDKFJ


SHUT UP.

JUST SHUT THE GODDAMN HELL UP.

SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP.

SERIOUSLY.

I DON'T GIVE A s**t.

YOU'RE PUTTING A DAMPER ON IT.

AND SERIOUSLY, IT'S NOT GOING TO BE THAT EXCITING ONCE YOU GET THERE

AND YOU'RE GOING TO FEEL LIKE AN IDIOT

BUT IT WILL BE TOO LATE

BECAUSE YOU SHOULD HAVE SHUT THE HELL UP THREE MONTHS AGO GODDAMNIT.

SHUT UP.

SHUT UP.

SHUT UP.








... Ladies and gentlemen, we have identified a source of frustration. Her own future classmates.



this leads to more frustration, as she needs to clean the slate and forget all of them and what she knows before tomorrow so as to not come at it prejudiced and ruin the whole semester.


I'm sick of all of this. I'm sick of the preparation, i'm sick of people talking about it. it just needs to start. then everyone will shut up and i can focus on actually doing some work and learning stuff.

no I'M SO EXCITED;LWJRAHJSERLD;FKLJSD;OLJHNLKJN.

no.

NONE.

thank you.

and mother will also be gone, and I will have a car here.

which terrifies me to navigate this place.


at the end of the semester I'll probably be like psh, no big deal, but for now, I'm dying.

i'm also mad that there hasn't been as much organization as I like.

i haven't prepared myself, cmc hasn't prepared me enough.



perhaps part of it is that I don't want to think about it. I love to plan, but if you plan too much, the surprise is ruined. there is no discovery, no sense of... yeah. so I did a quick glance of some stuff in the area, but not too much; I never flew here on google (which is impressive for me), and didn't think about it too much.



I think rush hour really screwed with me.

thinking it sane to even step outside during rush hour is beyond me.

It scared me. Scarred me.

i don't want to have to deal with that alllllllll semester.

I'll get hit.

too many people.

i feel like a tourist.

tourists are looked down on.

I will be looked down on.

so the whole town will hate me.

... and that's essentially why I was freaking out.

normally I don't give a s**t who hates me, but when I'm with my mom, it's a whole 'nother story.

I don't like it.

I don't like being with her in places like that.

I just really wanted to die in that 2-block walk we attempted.

i wanted to scream, wanted to run in the opposite direction, wanted to break down.

but i couldn't.

people were looking.

thinking us the stupid tourists.

stupid tourists, ruining our town.

get out of my way, goddamn fatasses.

fat shitheads have no idea where they are; there aren't even sidewalks the idiots. tourists. 10000 percent positive.






yeah, i'm mad. I'm scared, confused, and just ready to be done. I want to sit and hide in a corner and be left alone, and people and things keep poking me with sticks. I'm expected to be nice, expected to be ridiculously excited, expected to know everything before I get there.

tough s**t, amigos.

Snarl.


I'll be a b***h if I want to; I don't give a s**t about this anymore, it's been way too drawn out with too little information and too much build-up; and I don't know s**t about anything they want us to do.

leave me the hell alone.

Almost 2 years ago to the day I found out about this program.

and decided there wasn't a single thing that could stop me from doing this.

it was my obsession, the only thing I could talk about.

it drove me.

then somewhere along the way, it became more real. or false, I guess.

it became a source of frustration on facebook, seeing how excited people were.

i know from experience how much of a let-down it is to actually start, after you've been pumping so much enthusiasm into it beforehand.

why did i love it?

what happened?

How did this go from being my only way out of dinkytown to being a hell hole itself?









... I need an attitude check before tomorrow.

this needs to start correctly.

because right now, if you tried talking to me, I'd just snarl and make you go away.





 
 
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