"A mass suppression depressed by life unsure what he's to live for.
How much will does one simply have to conquer what he's become?
And how many others can say my fears have become phobias?"
I'm normal I guess now.
I take pills in the morning and I take pills at night.
But I'm normal.
My heart beats regularly.
I can workout without fear of another heart attack.
Marla is in remission, and has stopped growing and shrinking.
She's still slightly there and I'm glad.
I have only two problems now I guess.
My hallucinations and I have nothing to live for with all this excess time.
Now that I have no idea when I'm going to die, I keep questioning it.
There are an infinite number of possibilities in life now.
I'm simultaneously hating everyone one of them.
All my mind ghosts are laughing at me...
I'll get over this I guess.
Either that or bottle it up like everything else.
Probably the latter.
I never learned to get over things.
I just hate them.
It's like I missed that part of growing up and am slowly turning into a hateful adult.
Now that I probably wont die anytime soon I probably will end up old and alone.
NOTHING EVER MAKES SENSE.
I'm probably going to try and get one of my stories published..
Maybe join the Marines..
Hopefully get shot.
Get paid to mutilate people.
Get someone knocked up.
Watch a birth.
Watch my offspring become better than me.
Or better yet watch them squirm as I did.
Maybe they wont have a conscience either.
Maybe they'll be born with the one I was supposed to have.
Living an unsure life is something I don't like.
I need a purpose.
I need something to live for.
If I'm left to my own devices I can't promise anything.
Now that I'm normal again.
I've decided to pick up drinking again.
So let's drink one for the perpetual spiral of my life again.
"I've been living up the nights in white the storms keep growing.
I can taste the bitterness the high the blood is flowing.
The blood is flowing.."
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