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bluh 2
I'm a loser. I've never not felt like one. I honestly feel like I'm just one of those people that doesn't have any allure whatsoever. Sure I've got things to know like I like drawings- and I do it a lot, but my personality sucks and I'm just so,,,damn,,,dull. Talk about a bore. No wonder my friends don't ever ask ME to do anything.
I'm a walking mediocrity at everything I do because I'm not motivated to try harder at it or practice. I'm not a kid anymore, and I feel so damn old and worthless. I've always been that person in the background of a photograph with no business being where it was shot i.e., any social event. I had some pretty good friends in middle school and high school, but even then, I was the biggest loser there.
I don't have any integrity. All I do is dream, but I've been stuck in an emotional rut for...forever. I've always felt inferior to everybody else around me, and growing older has not changed this way of thinking. I have all of these ideas and aspirations, but god knows when the ******** I'm going to finally get up off of my a** and chase any of them. Then again, I'm so out of shape, I probably won't follow them far.
And I gotta be honest with myself. I'm ugly. I was never and never will be as pretty as my sister, and nobody will convince me otherwise. I've never known how it feels to be called pretty by strangers or be regarded in such a way by my peers. I am. Not. Pretty. And if I'm not pretty, I don't feel feminine. And if I don't feel feminine, what the ******** am I doing with boobs and a uterus.
I go to work because I have to, but if I could, I'd never go outside anymore.
I have a lot of days where I just wish I could sleep myself into a coma or something. It's not like I've got this compelling personality that everybody flocks to. I'm not interesting. I'm not wise. I'm not inspiring. I'm really nothing in comparison to anybody else. A nobody.
When it comes to anything I do or say, I hit a brick wall and that's where I stop or freeze up. And there is literally no way to get around it or over it. So I just turn around and head back into that rutty, discouraged, unmotivated part of my mind.
I'm really sick of my own inaction but I can't just zap myself with a magical motivation stick and all of sudden I'm back on track. And just how ******** long is it going to take if I DO decide to try and go about regaining my life through talk therapy? How ******** hard does it have to be to want to get your s**t together so you have one less thing about yourself to hate?
i'm so pathetic and hopeless. I wear my damn self out with my stupid thoughts. I hate feeling this way- just wanting to disappear off the face of the earth every other day- but I just don't know what to do. i've felt this way since I was little but i don't have a clue how to start fixing it. and it starts making me kind of concerned that i won't make it to a certain age. Sometimes I just feel like whatever's ahead just isn't worth the wait. I shouldn't have to wait or work hard for every single thing that's ever made me remotely happy. whatever happened to find joy in simple things; you'll be a lot happier? Doesn't matter what it is- I must simply not deserve to be happy period according to the feelings Nazi that has my dopamine supply under siege.
ugh.. s**t. it's so ******** late.
i'm done.

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