There's this vicious cycle of me where I always fall in a pit of darkness.
But here's the thing-I don't go down without a fight. I pull everything down with me, reaching out towards the empty darkness in a desperate, frantic search of something to save me. It falls with me and helps, teaches me how to fill this pit of darkness a little bit more. So I have more of a better fall next time if I do fall.
Today was hard again. It was going so good before.
I had fallen into a anxiety attack again. With the combinations of the worst things that give me anxiety-my sister, yelling, darkness, and driving. I started to lose my breathing very quickly and my concentration was falling apart too. There's so much sudden things happening at once and I was regretting accepting the invitation to drive. But I was aggravated with everyone pushing me to drive and making feel ashamed with just being myself and honest. With all that in a heartbeat I accepted the wheel facing my fears and anxiety switches.
I slammed on the brakes.
"omhgosh jen! I can't take this anymore, please just drive. I can't"
I 'm already crying in the seat and I'm breathing deeply and nervously. We get out of the car and switch seats. Then she's already doing the whole process of degrading me into a very scary and small place inside my heart.
With things like "why are you crying?"
"Really it's ok! you don't need to cry!"
"ohmygosh it's ok.. it was your first time driving in the dark, mine was hard too."
Maybe reading it doesn't sound so bad but if you were there you might have sunk in your seat in a uncomfortable way. Her voice was loud and demeaning that I was in the most awkward positions I ever had to experience in my life so far.
My shoulders where stiff, and sunk into the seat cushion. And my head was pressed against the head cushion and I was breathing heavy and nervously with tears streaking my eyes. I was terrified and extremely unhappy. That it made feel incredibly lonely that she making feel like a joke and idiot this entire time.
After all the one sided talking and crying we finally got into our driveway. And by then her voice was concern this time and it was pulling at my heart strings and scarying me.
She's going to find out I'm a freak too.
I'm not ready for her to know everything yet.
I spoke heavy words with my hiccups and nervous studering.
I just need to wash my face.
I just need to get out."
I grabbed my back in the back as fast I can and ran to the front the door. And thanked the lord that I didn't see my parents in the living room and I ran fast up the stairs and skipped my bedroom-the one without the lock and headed straight into the bathroom. I repeated words and kept a chain of them in my mind to calm myself. Like all the other times.
I locked the door.
I took off my glass.
Grabbed the make up remover and toilet paper.
Dropped the makeup remover cap.
Left it and tried to apply makeup remover on toilet paper.
My hands are shaking.
Poured too much makeup remover.
I quickly got the excess makeup remover back in the bottle and tried to calm myself as I tried to take my makeup off.
When I wiped the first eye I started to feel a bit calmer.
The rest was was unplanned combination of hiccups, crying, nervous breathing, and murmurs.
I sat on the end of the bathroom nest to the tub in final exhaustion of the crazy attack. I was still hiccuping but slowly more at a controlling state. I lay my heavy against the palm of my hands. And shut my eyes tightly and let slowly relaxed tears fill the ocean in my hands that I mistook as a paradise.
I hear the chaos shadowing my mind in the floor beneath me. That I had to go back down to. When I was already exhausted from the first one.
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