Summer of 12, I lost my mind. My mind plays so many tricks on me, telling me things that happened back then, but i really don't know, because i was too busy being out of my mind. that may have been the happiest time in my life, but it was an empty lie.
Here's how it works. i live a physically and mentally painful life, physically because my head always feels like it's going to smash open, because i'm an insomniac, and i don't sleep enough. i eat aspirin and energy supplements for breakfast. i live a mentally painful life, because i look at other people my age, and i see ignorance... because they're ignorant. i have even tried to be like them, ignorant and not so cynical... but i can't be like them, because i was given the gift of intelligence. i was given intelligence, and ignorance it bliss. intelligence is the opposite of ignorance, and pain is the opposite of bliss, so i got intelligence along with pain and an understanding that human beings will never do anything but hurt and disappoint me.
I could bleed my heart out in this. i could do it in weird ways, in sentences that make no sense to anyone but me... and i have before, because i bleed my heart out, and i speak my deepest thoughts and pains in empty places, and in empty words. i do it because i know no one else could even begin to fathom what i feel and know, and this makes me alone.
i have been in love. ever since her, my innocence of mind has been shattered and stolen away from me, and now i am cynical and hopeless. i gave up my innocence of mind when i gave her up, when she turned out to be the opposite of who i was insanely in love with for the happiest period in my life. this entry is the definition of an empty place... because no one who reads these entries would even read it this far. they would figure he's just a melodramatic teenager who thinks he knows so much about the world... or they would be a 12 year old who would say something idiotic to me to try to make themselves seem like a victim in life, or to try to make themselves seem special by trying to convince me that they understand how i feel.
i am alone, because i can think deeper than anyone i've ever met. i can tell, because i speak to these people, and they don't understand a word i say, and i can feel in their words that they don't grasp the concepts. this is my definition of an empty place, and these are empty words, because these words can be read by people all over the world, people way too far away from me to hear them from my lips. but, none of these people will read it this far, and even if one of them did, just one... they could never quite grasp what my words mean.
like i said, i speak my deepest pain out loud in words that no one can understand, in places that are meaningless, because i realize that speaking my problems to nothing is as close as i'll ever get to speaking them and having them understood.
Summer of last year, i lost my mind over a girl. i gladly smashed my innocence of mind all over the pavement for her, and when she turned around and showed me just who she really was, it left me nothing but these realizations-
I'm too intelligent and different to ever find a person who can mean something to me, in a deep way, enough to make me lose my mind in love.
I'm too scared and cruel to ever give another human being a chance to mean something to me.
I'm too scared to take anything in my life seriously, because if it all comes crashing down, i will be ridiculed, and i will be the one who gets hurt.
I'll never remove this pain from my mind, but i may encounter interesting things in my life that will occupy my mind for periods of time that will rid me of my being miserable. i'll medicate until the end, with things that grab my mind's attention, and i'll die empty and alone.
I wrote all this, and i know at least one person will click on this entry at some point. I know this for a fact... and the number of people who may or may not read all of this, realize that you will never understand. that's why these words are empty to you, and that's why this is an empty place.
Manage Your Items