What should I do?
My boyfriend has enough qualities that I would dump him. I like spending time with him, and I like having him around to eat out with.. but he's not someone I can date.
He jumped all down my throat when I passively accused this one place down the road of abusing their dogs (calling them dog killers). I walk to my carpool spot every day and I walk the same road every day. When I moved here in late February, I noticed one place had an adorable brown puppy. It was tied out front to the chicken coup. I would mentally say hi every morning for about 2 or 3 weeks, then it was gone. I looked for it until they got a new white puppy, different breed. I thought "hmm" and wondered if they'd sold it or maybe were keeping it indoors---but it hardly makes sense to keep a new puppy outdoors and move the older one inside (should be the other way around). Pegged that away for strange. The white dog is still there. It's not all that big, but I thought its breed should be a little bigger. Who knows?
One day about 2 weeks ago I was walking home and I noticed the white dog (a different one, i also say hi to) was straining on its leash in my direction. It never does that, so I looked to see what was behind me. There was an old man fussing out his truck window as a tiny white dog was shivering from wetness and fear right under the front of the truck. It wouldn't budge. So I knelt down on the curb and coaxed it up so the old guy could pull out. I was petting it and didn't know what to do, where to take it, and the lady from that place came out of the door and was tutting a bit. She wanted the dog to follow her. Finally she picked it up and carried it.. and took it to the place where the brown puppy was no more, but a white dog was. It belongs there. I kind of felt my heart drop when I realized that's its home. But I had hopes maybe since it's a more expensive breed (i think it's a maltese) maybe they would take care of it. Why would you let your expensive dog get away and get all bedraggled like that? (my friend tian had seen it earlier near the carwash, and it was cold and scared then too)
I told other friends, and they were like. OH. THAT PLACE. I refuse to walk by it. Apparently right before I came to live here, that place had a corgi. He was fine for a while, but they noticed he got thinner and thinner, and weaker and weaker, until one day he wasn't there anymore. So they've refused to walk by that place - and love a dog and witness its premature passing.
They kind of confirmed what I had thought. So I "assume" these people aren't good at caring for animals.
I told the story of the white dog to Jongsoo, not even thinking when I referred to the owners as dog killers, and he flipped out on me. He got really angry in my assuming these people are bad to animals. I even told him my reasons like I wrote above and he's still "You DONT assume. I hate it when people assume. My mom does that."
"But you assume things too."
And so I told him, and he was like "I don't assume about Israel. THAT IS FACT. They fired on American troops and I can't forgive them for that. They're trying to start a war with..."
He makes harsh judgement calls all the time. ALL the TIME. I've seen him. He'll hear one part of the story, and make his decision, and that's that.
And I call one place "dog killers" and he can't stand it. (granted i don't think they're sinister people set out on murdering dogs. i think they somehow neglect their animals... whether it's lack of money or forgetfulness or maybe even ignorance - feeding their dogs the wrong kind of food) Somehow I'm a bad person for assuming these people can't care for dogs.
My boyfriend and I also do not share religious views. He'd rather not think or talk about religion. at all. Most of his friends are atheists. He can't stand "good people" going to hell simply because "they don't believe".
This drives me crazy because he thinks that people have good in them, right?
But then he plays these horrible mind games. "What if you were in dire circumstances and you were starving, like some kind of apocalypse, would you steal? Would you eat another human?" etc etc. And he will say how people are evil like that. That in the right circumstances people will do anything.
So he can agree that people are evil...
And yet he can't forgive God for judging us - because we're "good people".
Either we're good - and capable of not stealing or murdering to eat when starving - or we're evil - and we're going to do horrible things when starving etc.
It's not both. Good - totally good - then who needs redemption? Who needs a savior? Jesus died for nothing.
Bad - evil at heart - then yes we need a savior.
You can have "both" -- but having both means you still need a savior because there is still evil within you. And no amount of good can outweigh the evil done.
But that's when I lose him further. If I start to talk about forgiveness - that God forgives anyone who believes - my boyfriend then goes on to say "they say Hitler was a devout Christian - and it makes me sick to think hitler is in heaven."
My boyfriend will bring up all these things in complete opposition to the gospel - reasons not facts. He doesn't want a God that could forgive Hitler.
I don't know about you - but I want a God that could forgive someone even as vile as Hitler.
Christianity holds all sin as vile and offensive to God. I might not murder anyone ever, but I've lied, cheated, and done enough other things. "minor things" and they're still the same awful.
It's not the sin so much as the attitude of unrepentance.
To Jongsoo - there are plenty of things that are unforgivable.
And he'd like to play God to wipe out these unforgivable things, and make the world "peaceful" as he sees peace (material peace... i mentioned that to him. bringing material and physical peace still does not bring peace to a man's heart).
He'll follow all that ("good people still go to hell" and "bad people can go to heaven") up with saying there's no justice.
When he gets there, I just feel righteously angry inside.
He won't accept God can forgive - when God does forgive and freely forgives.
He doesn't believe me when I say no one knows who will change and believe in God; and furthermore thinks that good people are "good" at heart (despite the dire situations thing which proves us evil)
And he has the gall to call God unjust!
Instead of understand God for Who He is - J can't accept God because God doesn't meet his own standards for justice and fairness.
It's a logical fallacy. And I can't be with someone who calls God unjust.
And if I break up with J over something like that --- he'll hate "religion" even more. And he'll blame it on religion.
To me it's not religion. To me it's a fallacious way of thinking. If you believe in any god at all, and you believe him to be certain things, then you stick to those things. You don't ask a god to conform to your ideas. That's no god. And yet J calls himself a catholic Christian.
It's like he thinks given the right circumstances - anything is ok.
Like maybe in those dire situations it's okay to steal someone else's food or something worse.
He's demonstrated this to me. I've told him my commitment to be sexually pure until marriage. And he's repeatedly pushed it too far. It's more than I am ready for.
I've told him. I've told him why. I get "sorry" from him and sometimes he'll be serious and quiet for a time.. but then later on he'll push the limit again. AS IF what I said didn't still stand.
He's admitted that he purposefully kisses my ears (it is a turn on button for me) just to make me hot. He tries to work me up into a passion. He's hoping I will give out. He's gotten me to do things I am not comfortable with.
And he'll tell me he does these things because he loves me.
When I'm intoxicated with the hormones my brain secretes - I don't think straight.
But times like these - like when I type this - I think I see more clearly.
He might think he loves me, but if he did, he wouldn't push me. Religious purity aside - the very fact that I've stated I'm not emotionally ready - he still thinks it's ok to push me.
If I were to tell him all this, he would act hurt. And be apologetic. And pout and say "i'm the worst boyfriend ever".
UGH. That gets me. Makes me angry inside.
He's obsessed with "being the best boyfriend ever". And I tell him what I want --spend time with me, not spend money on me; be honest, and don't push me -- and he still doesn't get it. He thinks that buying me presents is showing me love. I've told him -- it's not my love language. I don't equate gifts with love. I've told him I associate gifts with obligation. He is further and further making me feel obligated to him.
He tells me he loves me, and then when he pushes me into more sexually intimate things, he doesn't consider how it makes me feel afterwards. He's only concerned with "the feeling of the moment." UGH. If I feel dirty afterwards - he can't accept that. If I tell him I feel dirty as he's doing something to me - he can't accept it.
Regardless of whether it's truly dirty - if you're doing something despite the feeling of the other person --- that isn't right.
I don't give piggy banks or pork sausages to muslims, even though I don't consider pigs to be dirty. I know they see pigs as dirty.
He knows what I see as dirty --- but instead of avoiding it, he does it anyway.
And I sin in the process. And I feel more dirty.
He's so insecure. "Aren't I the best boyfriend ever?"
But he won't listen when I tell him what I want.
Manage Your Items