A cry for help...and understanding
I definitely feel empty and incomplete...I have a feeling there has to be something or someone good waiting for me on the other side of all this internal turmoil...Idk... cried my makeup off, and took Tylenol and have the tissue box right by my bed. I should get back to bed so I can lay down, feel better and just THINK for myself. Maybe thinking is a bad idea...maybe it won't help my predicament. Something's up with me. Since we got back to NY, I've been a bad luck charm for myself and others, and it needs to end here and NOW. I've been getting out more and eating so well, (gotta be careful and keep myself in good shape and health), and I just want to feel alive again. I miss our beautiful, quiet home back in VA, and I'm dying inside sometimes because none of my friends have contacted me for about two weeks...they forgot that soon, I guess. I want people I can be close to and be myself around. I'm either too selfish or too generous sometimes, I noticed. I'm never a perfect balance of anything, really...too clumsy and thoughtless, too lazy, too sad, too worrisome, too trusting-I'm also all the extremes the other way :/ no one reads this, but, I really am trying to figure out what's wrong with me. I don't feel like I'm "living"...I don't get turned on anymore or excited or in the mood for fun...I think that's all just temporary, but writing this, I realized what's wrong. I've fallen back into the depression I was in in early middle school. No real friends, no love, no...I don't even know. My mind is blank most of the time, or I'm on edge. I can think about absolutely nothing, and my mind just locks me out to prevent more headaches from overthinking things. I talk to my heart, but it's very quiet. I also talk to animals and plants and insects sometimes. A lot of the time, they'll acknowledge me and know how I feel. In my mind, I told my cat I wanted to pet her and talk to her, and she came right over to me, leaned up onto my bed and let me do so. It's odd, but, I suppose that's what happens when you're "waking up." It's a little past 1:30am, and I feel I may be slightly tired, but, Idk...I'm just blabbing on nonsense now. Goodnight, I suppose.