I've been thinkin' about relationship-y stuff lately.
I'm not really sure where the dominoes started to fall, but they did, and now I have these ideas that I would have thought ridiculous just a few months ago. I brought it up with Adam, and I think his reaction was a mixture of confusion, hurt, and fear with a lil' bit of comprehension in there. I guess to put it simply, I've been pondering the legitimacy of monogamy. I came to the conclusion, sort of steadfastly, that I think it's ridiculous that it's so widely accepted as not just the norm, but the right way to live. That these thoughts never occurred to me before kind of irritates me because I feel like it's so obvious, like it's staring everyone in the face. People in exclusively mono relationships often beat themselves up for having feelings for other people, they cheat on their "one and only" partner and lose everything because of it, they make themselves believe that their love is a finite thing which they can only give to one person. It's just... sad to me. And yet when people get online to seek advice (such as the LI on Gaia) because they have a huge crush on someone but are already in a relationship, people will almost always say, "It's ok to have a crush as long as you don't act on it." But why isn't it ok to act on it (assuming all parties are comfortable with it)? I mean, what if that crush turns out to be someone you could love dearly? Does it mean you love the person you're with any less? Probably not, even though that's the general reaction. I am just curious/confused as to why people don't more often consider the idea that they can love more than one person at a time, and that it's ok to do so. Why are we being taught that it's wrong to love multiple people?
I really feel like a lot of it has to do with possession (in a sex/gender-neutral way). I know that sounds silly, but I can't shake the idea. When I mentioned these ideas to Adam, including the idea of having sex with other partners, he told me that he understood completely where I was coming from, but he "[couldn't] stand the thought of another man's d**k inside of [me]." I have to admit, I laughed at the idea that my v****a was his to dictate what goes inside.
I think this manifests itself in phrases that we tend to think are cute, but really are kind of strange. Things like "My girl" or "My man" that we use so regularly or swoon over in the movies, they just strengthen this idea that being in a relationship is about owning each other. But it shouldn't be like that, or at least I don't want mine to be. I want a relationship of mutual and beneficial respect for one another that runs so deep that we are confident and knowing of the other's feelings. Nowhere in there does ownership come into play, and I think that's the ideal. I feel like that's what we should be striving for in relationships, instead of settling for something that's just alright. A major problem with the possession thing, other than the whole possession part, is jealousy. When we own something, and we are not confident or trusting of/in it, we tend to get territorial. Like when you're walking down the street and you notice someone very attractive. In a lot of cases, the partner gets pissed off because that other person is getting attention that is meant for them, and them alone. Jealousy of this kind is an ugly thing that I feel has no place in a trusting relationship. Honestly, I feel that that is one of the most important things in any relationship, and I don't know that one of any kind could survive and thrive without it.
I love Adam. I have for years now. There are times when I know we could both benefit from being away from each other for a while, and that took me a bit to accept. I thought that was me thinking I no longer wanted to be with him. It was confusing. Then I got a few crushes. Mind, this was all before these thoughts started happening. I felt horrible. I thought, yet again, that this meant I no longer wanted to be with Adam. Looking back, I just can't fathom ever having thought that, but it did help me to figure something out (or at least provide some fodder for all these thoughts): it's unrealistic for me to expect every, little desire that I have in regards to a relationship to be satisfied by one person. Adam is awesome in many ways, but he isn't everything. I don't want to break things off with him, or to change him to my whims, but the next time I get a crush, I'm not going to trick myself into thinking that it's wrong or that my feelings for Adam have even been touched by it. It's completely fine, and I'm comfortable with it now.
But then this brings me to the whole "cheating" thing. The next time I find myself crushing on someone, no I won't beat myself up, but I'm probably not going to make or accept a move either (not without talking to Adam, anyway). Adam and I are in a one-on-one relationship right now, and so long as he's not comfortable with us seeing other people, I won't betray that trust. Of course, that doesn't mean that I won't explain to him my reasonings about this. Maybe one day he'll be able to shed the idea of ownership, and be comfortable enough about our love for each other, that he'll open up a bit to this idea.
Should I stress that I don't really have a problem with mono relationships? 'Cause I don't. I just don't think they're for everyone; and I don't think those who wish to participate in something mutual, responsible, and safe that just happens to have more than two in the mix, should be looked down on.
I guess the big point of this was confusion. I still don't get why polyamory is so looked down on by most of today's society (American society, that is, considering I've been nowhere else...). Moreover, why don't more people at least consider a polyamorous relationship, even if only to think and not to act?
The Rat Nest
This is, essentially, a personal journal. Sometimes my thoughts are meant to be private, but other times... well, I guess they just aren't. By all means, intrude. :]