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A little about me.
My name will remain a secret until I get to know you, until then you can call me Blue.
My nick name was given to me by my besties on IMVU, a website similar to Gaia but more realistic.
As of today, July 16th 2013, I'm 18 years old. Born on April 2nd 1995.
I live in the U.S, on the west coast. In a state that will not be named to anyone but my friends.
There's a picture of me on my profile. I have blue eyes and dyed black hair, that is naturally brown.
I am 5'3 and a half tall, and I weigh somewhere between 120 and 180 pounds, I'm not saying my exact weight because I think I'm fat..
Which brings us to my problems.. I have low self-esteem, I have Depression, I'm Bipolar, and my emotions are always at their highest. I cry too much, I get angry easily, and some things excited me more than they should. When those things that make me happy are taken away, I am more upset than I should be. I don't take any pills for my problems nor do I tell anyone about them. I keep everything bottled up and then when something happens, I let all the pain out at once and end up feeling more hurt than ever. With all the problems I have, I find it ironic that I would like to be a psychologist when I am older. I feel it would help me better understand myself and how to overcome my problems and also help others like me.
To others I am weird, emo, goth, a loner. I do in fact wear dark clothing, have long black hair, and wear a lot of dark eye make up. I also am quiet and keep to myself.
I agree with most assumptions, I know I am dark, depressing, and a loner most of the time. Some things people don't know about me is, I am very creative.
I enjoy writing, drawing, photography, and cooking. I write nonfiction stories, I draw anime type people, I take pictures of clouds and sunsets, And I like to cook anything I can get my hands on.
I may be sad and gloomy, but I can also be silly and fun.
I love October nights, when there is a cool breeze rustling the leaves and the leaves are the only thing you can hear. I also enjoy listening to the rain hit the roof tops, it sounds beautiful to me. I love when the sun is going down and the clouds are a pink or orange tint.
I am a shy person, normally at a loss of words. I am lost in this world, I do not see where my future will be. Will I have a family? A nice home? I would like one child when I am older. I want to be needed by another human being. I want to hold life in my hands, knowing that I created something so small, fragile, and beautiful.
Now on to things I enjoy. I like to spend time with my German shepherd, He is around 5 years old and we rescued him from the pound. The pound was going to put him to sleep because no one was taking him. I'm so glad we took him home before that happened, I wouldn't trade him for the world. I like watching movies as well, preferably by myself. I watch romance, horror, and mysteries. I also enjoy video games. Adventure, shooting, and simulation games are my favorite.
When I was five, I lived with my mother. As I have been told, life wasn't going well with her. I was under weight and under fed. My mother's mom, kept in touch with my father to tell him of the things going on. Not long after my father found out about my weight and other things, he picked me up and I've been living with him ever since. I believe it's been 13 years since I've seen my mother. I also have a step sister who lives with my mom, Nor have I seen her. I have talked to them and we keep in touch, sending pictures back and forth.
I'm in high school still, held back a long time ago and currently behind in credits. I will be a senior when school starts back up and will also have to be a super senior.
I go to a small alternative school that I feel, has been more helpful than a normal high school.

If you have read this far, I think I can tell you something I normally don't like saying.
With everything considered, Depression, Bipolar disorder, and low self-esteem, life is very difficult for me to get through. I find myself going through phases where I am completely hopeless, I feel as if nothing is going to get better. I have that voice.. telling me that I am useless, a waste of air, food, and water. What is my purpose? What am I here for? Sometimes the thoughts get so bad, I cry so hard, that I slip into the darkness of my mind. I am weak, I believe the voice, and I.. self harm. The physical pain temperately gets rid of the emotional pain. I wish I had never made that first cut, I wish the scars would some how, disappear. There are times where I can control myself, and go months without harming myself. But I always seem to go back to it. Once you start, it's almost impossible to stop. I sometimes wish to die, but in a normal state of mind, I am afraid of death. What will happen to me? Will I float alone in darkness forever? Or do I start over? Do I go to a place worse than life itself? Only once have I cut so deep that I felt like I would die, I was terrified. The blood flowed down my arm so quickly, it was unreal. But I was able to take care of it by myself. If anyone reading this also self harms, I pray that you stop before you are sucked in as I am. Stop before it controls your life, before you have to wear long sleeves or a jacket, everywhere you go. I do not have as many scars as some people, but any amount isn't good. Suicide is a terrible thing, and I am here for anyone who is considering it. I know, I have all these problems with myself and I'm offering support. But I know what it's like to feel hopeless, And I can only hope that talking to someone will help. Talk to someone you will never see, someone you don't know, someone who won't judge. A person who will sit there and listen, or read everything you have on your mind. Before you make that final decision, think about everything and everyone. Find some help, explore options.
Never give up, and spend everyday trying your best to overcome every last terrible thought that you may have. Because who knows, what if everything in your life turned around the next day? I feel that everyone has a right to be heard and respected, regardless of what they have done. And I hope that anyone reading this last paragraph, self harming or not, will change the way they look at things.

User Comments: [1] [add]
Community Member
commentCommented on: Wed Jul 17, 2013 @ 09:28am
I saw your gaia status & i decided to come check out your journal. You're really beautiful please don't put yourself down. Don't keep it bottled up inside, it's makes you suffer. Tell someone you really trust, anyone or even just explain what you're going through to a stranger. I felt pretty sad once and I just said I wanted someone to talk to and someone listening makes it so much better (happened recently to me).
I'm sorry to hear the experiences in here. breaks my heart.
You've inspired me to write a journal myself! I might do it now.

User Comments: [1] [add]
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