...I don't know if you'll ever read this. You may, or may not, but that doesn't matter to me as much as it matters that I'm directing this right now to you.
Five years ago today, on this July the Tenth, you and I set out on a journey that neither of us really saw coming. But then that's just what made the prospect seem so adventurous, isn't it? A new relationship--A REAL relationship. The first time either of us had ever met someone from an online game and actually became something.
It all seemed so beautiful at first, didn't it? You were so anxious, I remember you telling me all about how you couldn't sleep that night, and on the day we met you were losing your mind, yet there we were. In front of that Starbucks, on that hot summer day, we met for the first time. That memory, among countless others, retains a special place in both my heart and my mind to this day.
So many other memories that we experienced, that I already wrote down in prior entries, so I won't go prattling on about those again. You and I both know what happened, and what it meant to both of us--at least, I hope you do, anyway.
Of course it wasn't all to be happiness and sunflower fields, now was it? Of course we both saw our fair share of adversity in our relationship. The fights, the constant arguing over seemingly pointless things. From how I ought to look and present myself, to how you viewed yourself, we made it through it all. Somehow, we made it.
In spite of everything we'd been through, though, eventually things would sour up.
I admit to my mistakes, my imperfections, my failures, all of it. I stand before you a guilty man. I recognize that everything that happened within our relationship was a result of a choice that I made, whether good or poor. In spite of everything we had been through, and of all the promises I made to you, I recognize that it was I who consciously made the decision to ultimately walk away.
Why, then, do I appear to be the one who walks out of this with the most scars? Why do I still struggle to this day? You might think my life has been a bed of roses since we broke up, since I found someone else, but it hasn't.
Jocey and I? We barely get to see each other. We hardly even talk. In the several months that we've been together, we've hardly done anything together. I suppose a part of that may even be coming from the word I gave you, that I never wanted to be so close with anyone else, and so I haven't been.
I can't speak for you throughout this, though, so I can't help but wonder...What are you doing? What have you been up to aside from succeeding in college and preparing yourself for university life? Have you kept to your word, as I have to mine?
What really hurts, though? What truly kills me, is the fact that you can walk out of this whole thing as if nothing had ever happened. Looking at you now, I see little more than the exact same behavior you had the day I met you. The way you acted around me, the things we said to each other, the experience that it all brought--nowhere to be seen.
When last we spoke you told me that you finally had the "freedom" to act more "like yourself" and that, with me, you felt trapped. If that's the case, then why did it continue for so long? Who was the woman I had fallen in love with? Was she even real? Or was it all a lie--a facade?
Why did I give to you all that I did? The things that I can never get back. Things that I can never give again, and you now make me feel as though I had wasted them all with how you carry yourself.
I hope you know that I went to the length that I did to make it all worth something, but it now feels worthless. It all meant something to me, though. Otherwise I wouldn't be writing to you about it right now. But then, that's also why it hurts so much to watch.
It feels now like I'm nothing to you; like I can't be anything at all to you--not even a memory.
If there's one thing my dream last night taught me, it's that despite all of my offers to be there for you, despite how much I continue to care, you were willing to just give it all up for the sake of lord knows what. Perhaps you just didn't wish to be alone? If you had allowed me to stay, you wouldn't have had to be.
And so now I look back on this, July the 10th, 2013, five years later. As much as I can't help but remember, I now can't help but wonder why.
As I continue to live the life I chose for myself, I can't help but wonder what you are doing with the life you chose, and why you chose that life for yourself.
Perhaps most of all, though, I wonder what you are doing on this particular day. Do you remember at all? Or did it never even cross your mind--even once? Perhaps I am making a cry on deaf ears, but for the sake of my own sanity I had to make this known, to you specifically.
Happy Tenth, my dear Christina.
Though you may not be so near and so dear as you once were, you will always be my first love, and a part of me shall always remain with you.
Here's hoping you've at least given today some thought, if any at all.
Manage Your Items