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Well then..Me Everyday (Main Journal)
I've decided to keep a journal of my day to day life on Gaia. I figure no one knows me and I could always use an ear even though no one even knows my name. I don't mind an outsiders opinion and honestly it will probably help me vent as well. So yes c
What time is it again... (July 7 2013)
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I've had a lot on my mind as of late. I've been really thinking hard about the life I used to have in Louisiana. I was only 9 when Katrina hit. I know I've lost all my memories of my childhood there but it's still my home. My heart hurts when I think about it too much. I really wish to visit there but I don't want to go back. I'm tired of all the times I've lost everything to the hurricanes. All the people I could've known lost because of it all. But my home is here now and I like it here. I've built memories and this seems to be where I've finally become my own person. I don't have to worry about the chains that I would bare upon my shoulders if I went back. Going back means I will be again coaxed and pulled into being the successor. It's all because of my I.Q. and how thick the blood of my ancestor is that runs through my veins. I hate it all. The memories I do retain were all horrible ones. All I can remember is the loss of loved ones and the pain and pressure of being alone and having to play the roll of the family tool.

I despise that most of all. Being someones play thing is something I wont ever be again. Being forced into a roll I never wanted. Being bred for the purpose of preserving the advantages of my family lineage. Being lied to and tossed aside like trash..The thought of being used again for someone else's twisted satisfaction makes my heart beat slower and my body tense up with emotions I don't even know how to name. I have so many problems it seems. I don't have many memories from the past so I'm scatterbrained even though I'm extremely smart. I have issues understanding my emotions. They never checked me for PTSD after katrina. A doctor just decided to label me as bipolor and have me take medicine that made me feel emotionally robotic and cold. It wasn't until around 3 or 4 years ago that I refused to take it anymore. I felt like I wasn't living. I was just counting down time until the next dose of numbness. When I think about this all. The tool I was,the fear I feel about trustings others, the anxiety and pain that has occurred from the shitty cards god decided to deal me I can't help but feel cold and want to block the world out.


I feel like my other half is putting up his walls around me again. I can feel my heart tighten when I think about it. I don't know if I am really just paranoid or if my situation and knowledge he has about my family lineage makes him feel worthless. I hate that he feels that way about himself. I just wish he could see what I see. That's why it hit me so hard when I tried my hardest to tell him and nothing got through. It hurt because when he tries like that and is kind towards me when I am upset and I feel so much better. It's not that way with him though and I feel hurt. I know that means he hasn't let me in completely and I can't do anything but be patient, all the while biting my lip and trying not to feel sad that I can't help him.

I think I'm too clingy perhaps.. I just want to see him happy. Sometimes I notice he seems to think about himself really critically. I wish he wasn't so ignorant to how special and amazing a person he is.

I'm more at ease I think after calling him an asshat on skype. I felt less frustrated and hurt then. I love him very much so I don't think I can just keep being upset with him. It just ends up going to the back of my mind until I'm alone again with my thoughts. I would do anything if I was able to just show him how beautiful a person he is.

My bitching and complaining aside I wen't with my mother to drop off havyn in corvalis when I got home and I noticed its so nice outside at night right now. I really had to resist the urge to go on a walk at 1 in the morning all over town. It calms me down when I walk when its so dead silent. It helps me think a lot. Annnnd it'd give me a chance to ding dong ditch or go stick firecrackers in the mail box.

After taking a shower I had a really bad headache while in the shower. Everything went black all of a sudden and I saw this weird dream but I'm almost sure it was a memory. I really felt like I was there and it felt too real. I remembered going on a ride with my grandmother sometime when I was young and she was still able to move and do things like that. I remember driving by the french quarter and the smell of spring in the air along with the smell of magnolias that drifted through the windows of her tiny car she owned. I remember passing by a huge cast iron greenhouse that was as big as a warehouse. I remember looking and the glass was foggy and I saw something strange on ground by the glass. It was a woman in really old clothing laying on the ground. She was there but she was fuzzy and I averted my eyes and put my hands against my ears and my grandma kept whispering something to me and looking at me trying to soothe me. I remember telling her to stop staring, that it was dangerous not to look while driving. That it coul-....Sorry Uta no Prince-sama Maji Love 1000% FANTASTIC REMEDY MIX came on and for a second I forgot what I was talking about. That happens at 5 in the morning when your stoned...

Anyways I opened my eyes and they hurt a lot. My back did as well It seemed I had fallen flat on my back in the bathtub. And here I am..
Here I am...at 4:30 in the morning... Writing a Journal. I really need to get my sleep schedule back together >w< I'm seemingly nocturnal but falling asleep at 8 or 10 am every morning is starting to really really throw me off @.@ I think I'm just gonna end up staying up until 7 or 8 tomorrow.


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You all know what I should be listening too...God I'm a fangirl.. ITS LIKE A DISEASE! I even know the lyrics



------> Youtube link:Maji Love remedy remix <----





I know the lyrics I'm that bad..

10 ARE YOU READY?
9 ARE YOU READY?
8 ARE YOU READY?
7, 6
5 ARE YOU READY?
4 ARE YOU READY?
3 ARE YOU READY?

2, 1

Saa LET'S SONG!!
Yume wo utaou (LET'S SHOUT!)
Sora ni utaou (LET'S GO!)
Hajikeru monogatari ni shichaimashou
Mirai no chizu wo (YES YES)
Kimi to egakou
Kono REVOLUTION (WE ARE)
Ikimashou (STARISH!)
Ai wo CHANGE THE STAR
CHECK IT OUT!

GIRIGIRI na mune no kodou
UH BABY Gouin ni naru koi no shoudou
Douchi wo erabu? PRINCESS
KURA KURA shichau kurai sen PERCENT LOVE

Naze ka?
Kimi de
Afureteru
Kokoro
Sawagu
Fushigi na RAVE

Mada minu seiza wo
Futari de tsumuide
KISU yori
Sugoi
Uta de sekai wo tsukurou

Saa LET'S DANCE!!
Yume wo odorou (LET'S SHOUT!)
Sora ni odorou (LET's GO!)
Yarisugi na kurai ga ii sa
Junbi wa OK?

Ikkai kiri no (YES YES)
SPECIAL jinsei
Kyoukashou ni wa (WE ARE)
Nottenai(STARISH)
Ai wo CHANGE THE STAR
CHECK IT OUT!!

Koyoi wa hora futari de sen PERCENT LOVE

Nanairo no COMPASS ni
UH HONEY jibun dake no
BRAND NEW MELODY
Mitsuketa yo "rashisa" tte yatsu
Dakara tsutaetainda sen PERCENT LOVE

Tsuyoku
Hibiku
KNOCKING ON THE MIND
BELIEVE HEART
Soshite
Toki hanatsu SING

Otokogi Zenkai
ORION koete
Niji yori
Kagayaku
Hana wo sakasemashou

Saa LET'S PEACE!!
Yume wo toubou yo(LET'S SHOUT!)
Sora wo toubou yo(LET's GO!)
Nee saikou na jikan wo tabi shimasen ka?
Hyakuman kai no (YES YES) shippai datte
Kono LOVE PASSION (WE ARE)
Kujikenai (STARISH)
Ai de CHANGE THE STAR

Ima sugu ni kimi wo dakishimetai yo
Datte kimi wo maji de mamoritai kara

Saa LET'S SONG!!
Yume wo utaou (LET'S SHOUT!)
Sora ni utaou (LET'S GO!)
Hajikeru monogatari ni shichai mashou
Mirai no chizu wo (YES, YES)
Kimi to egakou
Kono REVOLUTION (WE ARE)
Ikimashou (STARISH!)
Ai wo CHANGE THE STAR
CHECK IT OUT!


Koyoi wa hora futari de sen PERCENT LOVE





 
 
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