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Project Silas Day to day life/choices/concerns/thoughts/ect. on my journey to sanity.
Am I A Coward OR Am I Really That In Love?
This is more a stream of consciousness that has been repeating itself daily in my head for months now, but even more so as of late. I have been wavering back and fourth between two thoughts..

1: I am a Coward and I am afraid to be who I really am


2: I am so in love with my partner and my desires dont matter because all I want is to live long and make him/us happy.

Before I got together with my boyfriend (a year ago) I was planning on going through hormone replacement therapy EVEN though my doctors said it was a bad suggestion for me due to past bad reactions to other hormone therapies and such...Long story short I had every adverse reaction to testosterone and progesterone that is possible :/ stroke risk blood pressure leaves, continuous migraines, male pattern baldness at 16 (the time I was on hormones last but it was for reasons other than HRT and the doses were MUCH lower), extreme acne, and lots of rage issues which didnt help that I was already seeing therapists for psychological issues practically all my life D:. BUT I am so damn unhappy not being male that I didnt care about any side effect, any warning, any anything. I could care less if I died young hell most of the time I am suicidal anyhow...so what did it matter?? I just wanted to live as many years as I could as close to a "real boy" as I could be...

Yeah I mean I am highly passable without hormones, I am thin, tall, and have broad shoulders, practically no breasts to where I dont even need a binder unless I am wearing something tight or a muscle shirt. Also from the hormone thing before I have changed body hair patterns, some facial hair, and a deeper voice. So it all works out, I NEVER get mistaken for female when I am presenting....and even some days when I am not trying I get called he too (which feels godly by the way). BUT I digress...

I had been friends with my current partner for 3 years. I had loved him sense the moment I laid eyes on him. He was one of the first offline people I came out to because he told me he loved me no matter what and I could be anything or anyone and hed do anything to be with me. Which is 100% true, but he has desires too ya know? Long long story short, we ended up getting together this time last year, Hes an amazing boyfriend beyond any trans persons wildest dreams. He was only ever straight BUT he loves me so much that sex/gender/anything doesnt matter. He really wants me to do whatever I want to be happy and would pay or push for anything...hes a god in my eyes, but I feel bad...and almost like its selfish..I mean god or whoever created me made me able to pass as male perfectly without hormones, and I dont want to shorten my life (another long story short for now I have many serious health issues and docs say that changing the hormones would be VERY bad in my case :/) I honestly would give up anything to be with him as many years as possible, healthy happy and what not. Also he wants kids..I love kids but am very uncomfortable with having them...but i wouldnt want to adopt so idk really im mixed up here...but I know after 5 months of HRT you should have a hysterectomy for cancer safety sake...and id feel like id be robbing him of his dream of becoming a father and raising a family with me you know? I just want after all he has been through (hes had the worst life of anyone I know and when I complain I feel guilty about it)....and all the love he has to give to be the person who returns all the respect and love to him...to be what he needs...because I feel like love is a compromise...and I should give him my all just like he gives me...

Turning around again back to the hormone thing. Even though its illegal to discriminate lets face it, statistics dont lie, trans people have a hard time finding jobs...its not fair to him to support us both...and I already have so many emotional and social phobia issues that I am in intensive therapy to go public places and try to hold down a job...the last thing I need is one more odd against me you know? But at the same time it kills me because I cant be what I am....to live a life that I need to live...and in some cases want to live...I have NO support other than my boyfriend. I have NO real love, NO one to turn to, a Family who DOES NOT treat me well or really help me unless im their "pretty pretty princess" who does EXACTLY what they want...and I feel that im afraid, as well as would be ******** selfish to transition and make myself a larger inconvenience and just ******** my life up further when I have so many other issues to address...

In the end this is how I feel (because I could go on forever and this rant needs to stop soon). I would just live how I need to live, do what I need/want to do as much as I can. Display myself as GQ because I am trying to avoid too many specifics. and Present when I wish and be thankful for the life I have as long as I am with my boyfriend (yes we are planning on being married). BUT if for some reason something happens...and I loose him...god for bid...I hate even saying that it makes me start to cry...I will transition..because there would be nothing left for me other than that if I lost Lee...he really is my other half... I have loved many people but NOTHING compared to the love I have for him....the way I love and connect to him redefines love itself. I really do believe we were made for eachother and planned for eachouthers souls upon creation....our love is something only defined as fate driven and soulful...i could go on about that forever too but for now I wont....

is this even normal?? WHO the ******** cares...Its how I think and Feel...

rant end...

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Carpe Omnios

"quote me to
insure response..."

User Comments: [1]
The King Tommy
Community Member

Wed Jul 03, 2013 @ 06:03pm

Honey, you really are that in love and you are not a coward. You are just afraid. You're afraid to be yourself because like most trans people, not stereotyping, you're afraid of how people are going to perceive you or accept you. The most common places you love to go all the time and you start to transition but those people still know what you were like before and it's uncomfortable and we all hate it and you don't want to explain it because those people have nothing to do with your life but you're afraid they'll out you in a passing conversation. And as much as you want HRT, you know it'll do a lot of damage to you and you're afraid that it will cause Lee stress and you don't want to do that to him.

I am not a therapist and I actually don't know you super well at all, but I can give you my perception and opinion as best as I can. You already know subconsciously that there are many things about you that can stress out your boyfriend (same gender relationship, relationship itself, hormones, discrimination, etc.). And you hate that he goes through all these things because of you but at the same time, he's so amazing and great and supports you every step of the way and loves you for every bit of it and that's fantastic. The only thing you can do is sit and talk about it. I did a similar thing with my girlfriend and just took an average day and made her talk it out. Gave every what if scenario either of us could think of and talk about it all at one time. And you'll both be emotional and it'll be stressful to talk about but those what if scenarios will open up so many possibilities and you'll both have it out there, how you feel about kids, living together, jobs, sex, groceries, hormone therapy, whatever. And it'll suck. But after that, you'll grow a lot together from it and it could make you even better than you were before.

But like I said. I'm not a therapist. This is how it makes me feel if I were in your shoes and what I would do.

User Comments: [1]
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