well the thing with the now ex, it hurt. i wanted to try again. she said "i miss you" so i asked if she wanted me. she decided not to reply, i gave her 3 days for anything, anything at all. i got silence. i messaged, telling her how i felt, and that i get that she gave up and honestly wished her good luck with her future. it hurt to know she dosnt care, that i was just a joke to another person. its all i ever turn into. i try thou, even with all that. i cared about her, was with her a year and tried time and time again to make plans 2 go see her. had a couple chances and 2 buddys willing to drive me down but she want ever around when i needed her 2 be to fallow threw with it. it has crushed me. it wouldnt be so bad if i could have a reason i was played like that but some people just dont care how much damage they do to others. i damage everythig i touch and i dont want to do that.
i met a girl at laser quest, real nice, real friendly. got to know her a bit on facebook and as expected she dose do weed which makes her off limits to me. i will peruse nothing with her past friends. it wouldnt be worth it. as it stands, i think im better off alone anyway. this one that just dumped me, i really wanted to be with. i grew to it more then i realized but i feel as detached now that shes gone as i did when we were "together" so nothing really changes, i just acknowledge it again. but thats a very hard part. i guess ever since belinda, ive only look for relationships to fool myself into not remembering or allowing myself to acknowledge that im alone. that i hurt every day without HER or that feeling that i mater to someone, someone that actually wants to take the time to get to know the real me and see me and not the person i let them think i am.
i dont like talking to real people about HER, not anymore. even if she has become nothing but a long forgotten memory of how i was once treated like a human being by someone that was so much better then i could ever of wished to be myself, yet only thought of them self as just another human. someone that could never understand that they are my world but wants to try and loves me, and can see me, really truly see me, see my real fear, see my real sadness and not flinch when i hide it with all the things i keep back and refuse to talk about.
she'll never know that was how she made me feel. and no one since seems to give me that feeling she did. brenda, the 1 that just dumped me, game me that feeling of being wanted, like she would kill anyone or any thing that got in her way. that would take it out on me when she was afraid of losing me. i could feel all her fear, it was one of the strongest i had ever felt and that drew me 2 her. but her selfishness turned that fear into blind hate and without proof that i did or didnt do anything or an outlet for it, it was taken out on me by accusing me of cheating, lying, and so on. i just wish i could have done more, but she wouldnt ever trust me. but should anyone trust me?