I'm going camping this weekend with my Dad. All his beer buddies organized this event at a lake near where my Grandma lives. It feels like it has been decades since we went camping so I'm psyched. We are also going camping to celebrate my Grandparents' Anniversary. That will, once again, have a high attendance among our family. While I am excited for that too, there has been a slight damper to that since the wedding. The possibility that people know and I didn't tell them upsets me. I know now that it upsets me. It may be the control issue or that it was very personal information that should not have been released without my say so esp. if you were so sweet and understanding when with me. I just can't stand that backtalk crap.
We leave right after my work today to go. I finished my Rithmatist book. It was everything I hoped it would be and more. I can't wait to look for more books by Brandon Sanderson. It's hard to fathom how someone becomes an author like that or does what he does. He teaches and writes and just... assndjl how? How do you know when you're my age if that's what you could do? How?
Gabe wrote me again to become my friend on Gaia but I'm still not well enough for that. I can't handle it because I feel this pressure coming from him to be more than just friends. I am reminded of the history between us and need to fight temptations that would later hurt me if I came through with them. I have this same thing with Anand, my brother's friend. We have these banters still that edge on the friendship or more line but nothing could happen between us. I'm just not physically attracted to him. Mentally and Emotionally I am there because we have been such amazing friends and we're just fun together but for a relationship I need that physical aspect esp. since I have a low sex drive.
I lost my phone on my bikeride. Bollux. I got a replacement one but now I have no one's numbers.
I'm not seeing my therapist until a week after the fourth but I have a ton of things I want to talk to her about. I've always been afraid of coming off as a monster or some kind of sociopath, but I want someone to know about animal abuse when I was a kid. I'm not sick like lighting something on fire or whatever to permanently injure a creature but I did some things I regret. I need to ask for help dealing with high school stuff, yet again I bring this up, because I just keep thinking about it. I try not to but sometimes I still look for their car or daydream of what I would do. Before I had detailed plans of how to break in to their house and hurt her. Fortunately, I don't think like that anymore. Very rarely, I think about what would happen if we were friends again. If I had a sister and I was getting married... sometimes.
The mindfulness unit of my therapy class is irritatingly boring. I mean I sit there and count the ceiling tiles for two ******** hours ( not literally ). Usually I just take notes on other roleplay stuff so my brain is always at work. There is this one lady that needs to shut her trap. She's always interjecting with personal examples. I hate it and I won't stand it anymore. At volleyball I had a moment like that too where this girl kept dinking. We were all playing serious hard vb and she kept dinking over and over when there was no reason to. I finally yelled that I had had it and she needed to stop. She tried to say that she had no other options but BULL ******** s**t. In doubles we made a rule for no dinking. HA! Me, the girl, a guy, and Dave were the ones playing doubles. It was a good workout. Phew!
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