"Isn't it funny?
So, I was thinking..thinking about soo much.
My mistake. I really shouldn't have, I don't like to do so..memory lane and bullshit..
I do like my memories but these, this is different..isn't it??
Isn't it Derek??
Boy, I sure let my nails grow long..
I'm staying away from certain songs..the ones that remind me of things..I remember stuff..listening to ew music instead..no memories made there..
Oh my god, oh my god..
Remember those anxiety attacks??
My face is twitching..my arm too..
Why do you suppose that is??
This song is soo ironic..
Why do you suppose that happens?
Remember when I asked if that happened to you??
The anxiety..hurts so much..
Hands shaking pretty bad, hiding..the only I showed was you..
Everyone else will think I'm just dramatic..just being dramatic..
Like what they always think..like before..
Remember how my heart would beat??
Godammit..hat am I doing.. Now my legs are shaking..
So bad.. And its hot..
Remember how hot it'd get??
But wasn't it just me??
I'm breathing too hard too..
But still no one notices..no one noticed except you..
More music I never listened to..
cold but sweaty..
Hearing my heart beat..
I do like my memories..
Maybe I just like remembering..
Maybe its just having them..
But something just felt wrong right now..
Wrong..it felt wrong..
Not this song..
I don't know why I remember..good or bad..there's those I wish I could do without but then what would that leave me with..
Hey..I'm angry at myself..is that what it is?
To be honest I fight with her all the time..no one notices..I see myself she in my face..
Clenching my jaw..too tight..
There's some really great ones..
Maybe I'm just going too far into the past memories..
Scared of making new ones..
Hate the thought..but did I feel this way about those when that time had been the present??
Cold..cold..col..all of a sudden..
I don't know Derek..
Optimism..optimism...I'm overthinking it, right? That sound optimistic enough..sure it does..so which one was it?
If I acknowledge her enough..what about my memories bothers me so much??
Leaving this song..no matter how much it disturbs me..
Doesn't everyone have a history of trauma???
There's always some type of trauma??
Shouldn't we each have something then???
This is stupid..
Where am ii going with this??
I'm guessing nowhere...
You said you'd always be there..
You said you'd always care..
I don't know..why am I freaking out??
People change right Derek?
What else changes with them??
I don't know why I'm freaking out!!
There's a lot of disturbing images too..sick..sick..
What the hell!!!!!
Let me just say this..I suck..she sucks too..we suck..not you..
What am I expecting??
I really didn't mean to..but I never lied..it was true...
I said it once and I got..pushed away?? I think that's how I can put it..
Did you know I can answer any question?
But there are no questions..
I want the distraction..
Even worse, to hide my curiosity..
Forgive my moments..these bouts of..forgetting the word..
I'm tired..and tired of crying..
Longest and scariest anxiety attack of my life...
Lol..so that was my major anxiety attack that I had a few days ago. I ended up writing stuff down and blacked out.. since its addressed to "Derek" (aka Calvin) who, in this case, is supposed to be my journal (long story, not really) I figured there's no harm in putting it on my gaia journal.
I don't think he'll mind.
I doubt I get regular readers on this thing,but if you're one, you'll remember that entry I last called "Derek:My Journal for a Day"..if not, just go back to 2011..the things I worry about sure have changed.
Its all good though.
I'm fine now.
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