Holding onto something so hard, even though it's a risk you're taking. A hurtful or possibly a meaningful risk: Loving someone so much that it could put your life at risk. Loving someone this hard and for this long changes people. It's changed me. I've learned to see things in an entirely different view. Through the eyes who I've adored, loved and wished to spend my whole life with. Seeing how they saw and perceived the world and what they believed and what they didn't believe. Seeing what they've learned over the years from their mistakes and their achievements. And just watching all of that fade away into a nothingness is just the most unbearably painful consequence to endure.
Having to spend each day, trapped, confused, questioning and longing to have them back in my life. Watching them leave like everything I've done for them go to waste where I could've loved someone else the way I have them. Giving so much more than what I have just as person makes me feel like I've lost and can't love anyone anymore. Too afraid to show that affection I've showed him. That affection I even thought would be enough to fill his need for love with the distance we had. Doing all that I could to keep him by my side. The hours spent, the days and nights we spoke, the adventures we took and the fears we faced. The three times I took him back with open arms because I loved him so much. All of that wasted for nothing.
I'm trapped in this feeling. I can't leave this feeling I have for him. It hurts. Crying every night wishing what was said that night wasn't said. Wishing to have him back as mine. Wishing he hadn't said it was over. Breaking every promise he made to me was just another crack in my heart just waiting for it to shatter. I'm incapable to love anymore. Dealt with more than enough heartache for one person to handle. I honestly can't think about living on like this. I'm constantly depressed, not once single happy day since. Each day is long and boring and every activity that I used to love to do means nothing to me now. Telling me to move on with someone else was what finally broke my heart into pieces that are too small to see. I know I will never be happy again. I know that I won't be the same caring person I was again. I know that whoever reads this, or whoever took the time into getting to know me, they won't know me anymore. I'm not the Tiffani that I was so long ago. I'm nothing now. Cold. Heartless. In pain. Dead.
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