After spending an hour with my mother today, I've confirmed where I got my low self-esteem from. My mother never really has anything nice to say about me. I was never thin enough or pretty enough. I could never be the beautiful daughter that she's always wanted.
I've always had acne since I was in 4th grade. I've tried everything under the sun from Proactive to homemade remedies. Nothing really worked; I would always breakout. Recently, I've been using Ivory soap and an astringent. I have less acne with occasional breakouts but not as bad as it used to be. I often wished that I had smooth and clear skin, but I'm stuck with the face I've got.
I was always a chubby kid and grew into a chubby adult. Mom would make remarks about it, but I ignore them. It's my body and I thought I looked okay. Then, I had to take a good look in the mirror and at the scale. I didn't want to be 200lbs anymore. I dieted and ate right...well, as right as I can. I love my fried food, especially French fries.
I got into MMA/BJJ in 2011. I thoroughly enjoy it. It has taught me some great defensive moves and has kept my weight in check. Then, I got into wrestling. Again, my weight dropped. Added in some cardio. I'm down to 165lbs. I'm happy with that weight, but I know that I can do down further. Since my accident, I had to stop physical activities because the pressure would build so much that the pain would be blinding. I can't wait to get back into exercising again.
My hair has never been the straightest, but I try hard. I've tried lots of product in my hair, but they either weighed it down or make it frizzy. Last year, I've discovered BioSilk and I love it. Even though it's expensive, it's worth it. I went back to the first shampoo my mother used on me and that was VO5. It actually makes my hair softer and easier to manage.
I hated shaving. Shaving weekly was the worst. Legs were easy as well as the underarm. I just hated shaving down there because of the razor burns and the ingrown hair. Tweezing the eyebrows were okay, but I could never shape them right. Then, I discovered waxing. The pain sucks, but it was quicker and easier for me and the hair didn't grow back as fast. I still shave my legs because like I said, it's easier for me to shave my legs.
I couldn't stand make-up. I couldn't find a foundation that matches my skin tone. I am mixed. My Daddy is black and my Mom is Asian. All the foundation that I've tried either made me too like or too dark. Last year, an older little Asian lady took one at me, said that I had more gold tones in my skin than red, and found the foundation that matched better than any others that I've tried. Still working on finding the right eyeshadows for me, but I find it fun to experiment. I have fallen in love with liquid eyeliner.
Nail polish. I hated doing my nails. I mean, who cares? They're just nails. It's not like anyone plays any attention to them. After having them done professionally done for two weddings, I thought they looked really nice. Then, I started to be creative with my nails. I like my nails both painted and bare.
My clothing style hasn't been the greatest. I would always wear black and then, I started to add color to my wardrobe. I still liked jeans over skirts and dresses and T-shirts and tank tops over dress skirts. Just recently, I've decided that I wanted to look like a professional business woman. With the help of my friends, I was able to up my wardrobe and dress for success. I've started to wear high-heels and I've been accessorizing.
I am not be the prettiest woman in the crowd, but I do I like who I am. I sometimes doubt myself and my looks, but that just gonna happen. I will never be thin enough for my mother nor for society. I would rather be healthy than a stick figure. All in all, it just comes down to me loving me and everyone else's opinion can suck it.