The most pathetic part is...when i'm dead...no one will miss me. And the second most pathetic part...is that if somone does, theyll think the stupid lie "I wish there was something i could have done"
I'm DYING alone. And the funny part is, the ones who can help are the ones who wants absolutely nothing to do with me.
Please...if anyone gives half a s**t about me help me out of this. Help me see light again. The entire world is eclipsed. Blood and tears are so normal to me i barely notice them. I'm surrounded by people but no one can help or care. Im. DYING. People are sick twisted creatures, why would they help me. Im just as horrible as them, only that realization is what hurts the most. No..not the worst, everything hurts the worst, after this long, all the pain and fear and doubt and hatred all blend into one. It's not one situation, it's all of them. Everything at once pushing down and crushing me.
I need to grow up but im so focused on dreams that i cant find the strength to. Im so alone and that lonliness is more dangerous to my life than a bullet or knife could ever be, but the betrayel, the SICKENING pain that comes with so much as trusting somone anymore other than the few I already used to is so strong that even when surrounded by people I feel COMPLETELY ALONE!! I dont like starting trouble for those i care about....and because of that, because of the care ive shown, ive lost and missed out on so much! With NO appreciation! I havnt joined guilds and groups because ive been afraid of annoying people, Ive given up showing care for people i care about for loyalty that is an entirely retarded thing in itself that no one cares about! NOTHING is worth sacrificing your own happiness. Why can't I learn this?! Ive spend days worth of time reading and watching things just to have something to talk about with people who ignore me constantly anyway. People talk and think about me but lie and decieve and tell me it's not important. IT IS! You want rage? You all want anger and emotions and true emotions? Well here they are! It's not rage! It's pure self hatred and the blood and tears that flow from me EVERY FREAKING DAY are the result of it! HAPPY NOW?!
I wanted to be a prince...I once had dreams of being an angel...how absolutely pathetic can a person be. I wanted to be cute, boys arnt meant to be cute, theyre supposed to be sick disgusting pigs that LIE TO GIRLS, tell them theyre getting over an ex just to hold them. No one cares, girls love it. My past...is SO..F**king full of disgusting boys being proven better than me! Im sick of it! I try....I trIED a million times more.....One boy who stole a girlfriend from me insulted me right to the girls face....told me to be a man and be more possesive...HAHAH! I TRUSTED HER! Pathetic disgusting trust! Why cant i poison it out enough after 7 years? Why cant i poison out care and affection and trust? Why does it still suprise me when somone i care about idssapears or tears out as much blood from me as they can? Why am I the only human this stupid. Im a defect, that's what it comes down to. I'm a defect who was never meant to survive this long. Hahaha! And why i /am/ alive NO ONE asks because NO ONE hears these words? It's because I have survived for 7 years not for myself, not one MOMENT for myself, never would i survive for this pathetic defect of a pig, but for the people I care about....for the exact same people who drop like flies from my life when they get bored of me. BORED is the word! I am a depressive self loathing masochistic WRECK, and yet i still dont understand what i did to deserve this from any of them!
I am SCARRED, forever! I was hurt so many times, and i decided to be a prince, i decided to be somone perfect who would never cause anyone else the pain i felt...i decided id become somone who would make the one i love nothing but happy, i would do whatever was needed and i would cherrish them as nothing less than my world....How. absolutely. pathetic. can one person be? No one wants that! No one wants a boy who will cherrish them and think the world of them! They want somone who is strong and egotistical and cruel! What hope does a rose without thorns have when everyone just wants to bleed!?
This might be my goodbye forever. The person my world revolves around could care less if im DEAD, the two others who i care about even half as much have dissapeared completely. The one person who supported me is now INSANE from the sheer weight of the TRUTH i show. I. have. no one real anymore.
Words can't describe how much I've tried....tried for months....but even before this i tried for years to be perfect. Perfection exists, but it wilL NEVER exist for disgusting humans. If I survive this. As MINUTE a chance as that is, i will NEVER view humans the same. Ive finaly snapped. Not in a dangerous way...well...not dangerous to anyone but myself, but in a way that just makes me sick. Friends and love, FAKE. Neither is real in the least, because if the truest form of both can die this easily then no one in the entire world ever has a chance of doing better. I deserve to bleed for thinking i ever had a chance, ME, the defect.
Interesting fact about me, when I asked my parents for a good quality I have, it took them 4 days of me bothering them about it before they came up with "helpful" THAT is how much of a defect I am! Let's continue with the interesting facts, I havnt had a birthday party in 8 years, No one would ever come, not even family seeing as how i dont really even have that. More interesting facts? I havnt recieved a birthday present from my family in 3 years. yea, no 18th birthday present, no 16th birthday present. Every year my birthday consists of me sitting in my room, praying somone comes online who i can talk to or crying when they dont. Another fun fact, but this is only to one person, EVERY reason you gave except 1, i have proved bs or fixed. All this could have been avoided if you had ever given HALF a damn about me. Back to everyoen now, i spent over 4mil on christmas presents and i recieved TWO, one from the only true friend i ever had, and one from somone who i barely even spent much on. "But robert, we didnt expect you to spend that much" you say. I recieved ONE "happy birthday"
EVERYONE. Im sick of EVERYONE, all you who have abused and ignored me, but guess what, im not sick of the person who deserves it the most.....i cant be. im STILL that stupid, even now i cant feel even the slightest ammount of anger towards you, just the absolute disgust in myself for never being ble to be good enough. I dont DO anger towards those i love, only towards those who hurt them and myself.... im a defect, and im dying, this is being written for anyone who is stupid enough to think they actualy care about me....if you want to try to save me....it's your sanity that's going to be lost... Im tired of living....im tired of people...im so tired....i just want to cry and sleep...
I quit...if you want any of my items pm me....my hidden ace is already promised to somone...sorry....and im sorry for all the annoyance I've caused...bare with me for another week tops...you'll never be botherd by me again.....
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