Started writing hoping to shut the thoughts up, but now I really don't want to post. I've lied to everyone else by now, can't I lie to her too? No. She's all I have even in my insanity.
Very well...still not happy about it.
Forgive my lengthy and disjointed rant. Been far too long since I've been honest with myself. And forgive me again if you read it. Or hate me. I don't care which really. Or maybe I do. Meh whatever. Apologies anyways.
Hey, I just read a journal from last year from this day. Well copied it. Being in my room nearly destroyed all of it lol. Before I move on to what I was thinking about writting, wanted to snatch a thought I just had. When I wrote these things on gaia, promised to write them to work through s**t, I made a conscious effort to disclose everything. No secrets. Don't mind those locked journals lol. Point being, I never edited or held back my thoughts. The other day however when restoring that entry, I did. I've apparently lost the confidence I had in myself then to handle such honesty. Always weird to read my previous entries. I cared less then. I was....ok then. I feel so sorry for Ryan everytime I read them lol. Poor thing has to put up with whatever the hell I am left. He deserves better.
Moving on, I was thinking (dreadful past-time, I know. Trying to quit) about when I was young. Like really young. Happy. Before I was 7, I was actually happy. I didn't care that the world was repetitive. I never held anything my mother did against her. Don't know when or why that changed...
Ahem. Then I was happy. I was kind to people, I was confident in myself and everyone around me. I knew what I wanted and was never afraid to go after it. I loved school and being around people. Couldn't get enough....then my only problem was figuring out the new boy Oliver (third in my grade. all of them platinum blondes hehe). He was....off. Nothing to do about it at that age, but I tried to be nice to him always.
Whatever was my point? Hmm....I don't remember anymore. Keep remembering this picture Miranda shared on facebook about a girl babysitting a boy. The boy saw these scars on her legs and told her about his sister having the same scars and leaving on a vacation.
Hating someone really does age someone. Exaughsting past-time. Can't help it though. My own worst enemy lol. Ahh lyrics.
I'm sure I've asked this before, maybe not here. I really can't keep track of them all. Question being, do you know what madness feels like? Seems like everyday it gets worse, each day it's harder and harder to hold it together. Like those aluminum boats...I can't stand that feeling. Hating myself for being so unreasonable. For not being able to do anything about it.
Everytime I mention a hint of this however I'm told it's normal. Is it really? Is imploding on yourself from anger over someone saying Deadpool is a douchebag then hiding in a corner sobbing in shame normal? Is having to sit on your hands when your sister walks in the room to keep them shaking normal? To keep them from reaching out and wringing the life from her neck....
If such is normal, then I want nothing to do with any of it. I'm a pacifist. Always have been. I...I can't handle such rage on a daily basis. I can't handle more reasons to hate myself at night. Being gay is bad enough. Slut pushing it. Being insane pushing over the edge every bloody night. Being a monster, bi-polar one at that, is just....too much. Why can I not get anyone to understand that? They just tell me it's normal, or it's okay, or worse yet that I'm normal.
It can't be. CAN'T!
.......Or maybe it can and I'm being stubbornly narcissistically dense.
Ugh Pandora is not helping. Literally playing every sad, grief, rage and failure filled song I've ever let it play. So kind....
Ya know I heard somewhere that you should always love yourself, for how can you expect anyone to love you if you can't love yourself. Then how is it the more I hate myself, the more people seem to fall for me? Can't they go find someone decent? Someone to make them happy....
Anyways Logan texted me randomly a bit ago. Not even going to pretend to guess how long ago (lack of chronological memory ordering is not even worth discussing). I nearly cried. Well seeing how I was surrounded by the family there was no way in hell I would've. But it felt like I was. Kinda like now. 'Cept different reasons.
Yeah so when he asked me why I didn't text him I lied. Not happy about it but telling him I wanted, no by then needed, some type of proof however twisted that he wanted to talk to me. That he didn't do it simply because he gets bored or to humour me when I text him.
I had forgotten how much I missed him.
I did manage to tell Ryan about Logan and I yesterday. Made him cry. Gods. I hate these things. Me in physical form. But yeah I made him cry and if I wasn't stuck at the table with the family, and drunk off my a**, I would've....well I would've regretted it later. I wouldn't have been able to tell Ryan or Logan and thus start the self-hate train again....but nevermind! As I was drunk off my a** I didn't do anything but apologize to him and resist the urge to throw up from the knot in my stomache.
Havn't told Logan about Ryan. I get the feeling he'd be angry. But who the hell am I to assume on his behalf??
Just some insane broad who's cheating on one of them. I ******** knew it. Every bloody ******** time! Gods I wish I had an off switch. I just go around somehow making people fall in love with me, then betray them. Rinse. Repeat.
I do have an off switch.
But I wouldn't dare try again....I'm trash enough thank you, don't to scream it to everyone including the only people I've managed to convince I'm sane.
Usually when I write these things I don't already hate myself for what it could do to who reads it. I mean I don't even know who reads these. Gaia says people do (you poor sods). But....i have no idea why they would.
Or why I'm ignored.
Tch. That's not true ya whiney cow. You ignore everyone else and don't give anyone the chance to recognize your existence. Ya own damned fault. Hiding behind binary and light how much can you expect taget eh? Hmph. Exactly. Squat. Cared do much ya'd get up and do something 'bout it 'steada sitting and bitching 'bout it all. Oh wait. Ya don't do anything 'bout anything 'cuz ya're a bloody coward. Forgot, m'bad. Disgraceful child. Grow up and deal with ya own problems steada running away for a change.
-sighs- I can't even run away though. To much of a coward for even that. Proven that havn't ya....
Indeed. Ya know I thought I was making progress. It's just worse.
17 and near half another year old.
I heard that you assume yourself in other people. Why I always over react to the slightest off detail and think I'm being lied to. Why I assume that people only humour my presence. Why I'm afraid of people....
Well as much as I'd like to go on with the hate, I've been up near an hour already and can't stay up. I like to get more than a few hours with Ryan a day.
Ugh naeg. ******** me bloody hell. Can't even manage something so simple. Deepest apologies...truly. I'm not intentionally a back-stabbing b***h. No wonder RD hates me.
Ok ok, enough.
· Thu Jun 20, 2013 @ 09:32am · 0 Comments