I don't know why, but I just had the most terrible dream, and I just can't help but have to write it down, so here goes I suppose.
It started off as any normal dream of mine would, pacing around my neighborhood, as though nothing were wrong at all. Even as though it weren't a dream.
I came upon a strange building I had always seemed to pass by, but this time I saw her there again...
Yes, her. The same woman I've been writing about all this time. Still there, plaguing my dreams when I least expect her to be.
The building turned out to be some kind of weird sexual fetishist kind of club where all the sick, twisted, perverted freaks met and socialized, and somehow she was among them with one of her friends.
I remember being absolutely furious. I don't know why, but the way she was acting, the way she's been acting all this time since we separated, it just irks me to no end. I simply lost it--I lost my mind.
I went after her, fuming as I continued to yell at her, simply asking her why she was acting this way, why it had come to this, and just exactly what the hell was wrong with her. It's like she was a completely different person from the woman I had loved so long ago.
I continued to pursue her, no matter where she ran. She tried to run away in a car driven by her mother and a few other friends, but I still chased after her. I tried to keep her from running as much as I could, and I don't even know why I did. Jocey was even there, and yet in a blind rage I continued my pursuit regardless.
People constantly stared at our arguments, particularly at me trying to get a hold of her again, but still I continued.
The last thing I remember from the dream before finally waking up was grabbing her tightly, and not wanting to let go, simply uttering the words "I hate you...So much..."
I woke up shaking, appalled that I could even dream such a thing, and yet I did. I don't know why either. These dreams just keep happening, and I hate it.
Just exactly what has she become anyway? The only thing this dream truly made me realize is that she is not in fact the person I fell in love with anymore--not at all. She is someone completely different.
Was she ever that person I once loved, though?
During our last meeting she told me that with me, she felt trapped--as though she couldn't truly be herself. If that's the case, then who did I fall in love with? Was it even real? Or is she simply a coward willing to change exactly who she is and what she stands for at the drop of a hat, just for the sake of not being alone? Is she that easily influenced, that perhaps even she doesn't know?
Quite frankly I don't even know why I'm writing about this, or why my mind seems to find this so significant at all.
I'm torn. Utterly torn.
I'm as happy as ever with my current life (believe me, I am), and yet I can't seem to ignore the one I once lived, wondering if it was even all worth it, or if it was just a waste of five years of my time...
I just don't understand.
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