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The Inner Workings of Onesself
Lots of randomness & meaningful stuff about moi, the one & only Kari-chan.
Destructive relationships
I was being too stubborn to leave in the beginning when I saw the problems. Now my red flag will just be to see if I see behaviors similar to my parents. If it feels like when I'm with them I'm outty five-0 bc they're the reason I tend to pick these horrid relationships in the first place!

Never had a healthy hetero-bond with dad beyond 10yrs & shifty before then bc after he abandoned me at school (to watch football & drink beers) & got arrested after fighting with my mother, this happening in front of me bc she's the very bright Crayola in the 100 box that decided to take me & my brother with her to confront him instead of leaving us at home, I didn't see him for a year or so. I overheard my grandma talking & supposedly this was a court order that granted crazy-mom full custody of me.

I heard mom tell someone he didn't care if she had full custody he was paying his child support & that's all that mattered & I overheard the (hysterical? she was laughing) story about how when I was a baby (not crawling yet) she threw me off in my carrier on his porch bc I was sick & crying a lot, he was very upset & didn't want to deal with me being sickly either (called almost immediately to inquire how long I was staying)but did so bc he had no other choice I was already there. No one thought to take me to the 2 grandmothers who loved caring for me (well he might've anyways how else did he get to work?) even when I was ill & whom I emotionally bonded to the most.

I didn't realize how much I desired them emotionally over my parents until they were gone. They died when I was just getting into the time of emotional turmoil I needed them most over 12-15yrs old. Now when I'm extremely emotionally low & in pain all I can do is cry out for them I don't ask mom to hold me, & if she tries my body just stiffens its awkward & I want to flee, I don't have thoughtful discussions with dad, step dad tends to hear more bc he demands it out of me & is generally easier to talk to than dad, but I don't care to talk or be around him all the same. He's just as bad sometimes as they are he doesn't help the problem he contributes to it.

Around 13 was the magical age emotional/psychological disregard went full out. They didn't care what they said or did to me even if it damaged my self esteem & wouldn't treat me like a human who could communicate & had thoughts & opinions of my own. I was to shut up & follow orders unquestioned even if they were wrong, bc I was property to be owned until 18 (even then I had no freedom I was to spend most of my young legal days locked up in the house) & didn't have a right to opinions & self/adult evaluation. If I did I was to be hit instead of engaged in thoughtful conversation.

This is still the norm today & I'm 23 so yeah if a partner starts even slightly showing these same patterns of behavior as my ex fiancée did, I'm getting out of the relationship ASAP. I probably won't be dating anymore men in the future as this is where I'm experiencing it most, but I haven't really dated a female for comparison so I won't assume it won't happen then.

And a thunderstorm just materialized out of thin air at 3:44am here in my city so going back to bed now. smilies/icon_sweatdrop.gif

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