|
|
|
I just needed to get this out of me.
I'd just like to mention that schooling in New Zealand is rather wierd, so quick run-down. Primary School is year 1 (5/6) to year 6 (10/11), Intermediate School is years 7 (11/12) to 8 (12/13), and High School is years 9 (13/14) to 13 (17/18 ). I fall into the younger age in each bracket, meaning I graduated at 17. I'm eighteen now, nearly finished with my first semester of uni. School year starts late January/early February, ends late November/early December. I'm sorry this will be long. Yes, I know this is nothing compared to what others have been through. But that doesn't change how harsh people can be and how terrible bullying is. Okay, lets start.
Names have been changed.
I've pretty much always been bullied in some form. I suppose the fact that I was kinda awkward around people when younger didn't help, though when I grew up I was once of those girls who's nice to every one. I'm the kind of person who likes making other happy =]. In primary school, in my first year there, I would always tag along with my older brother and his friends. Took me a few months to start making friends in my own class. Even at the young age of 5, for a short period some of my friends avoided me when they found out I was Indian. Thankfully that didn't last long. Halfway through primary school, I had to leave my friends because in year 3 I was in a mixed age class, and all my friends were a year below me. It took me a while to make new friends in the senior half, and, once again, I became friends with girls who were older than me and stuck with them. Yeah, I get along easier with people who aren't my own age clearly. From what I recall, at parent-teacher confrences, my teacher talked to my mum about encouraging me to make friends in my year and class. Yipee. Luckily for the last two and a half years of primary school I had become close friends with two girls, and though I always felt like I was the odd one out, I was happy.
Intermediate school came along, and my friends were both in different classes from me. I got along better with the guys on the tables I was at though, so class wasn't too bad. At least, in the beginning. My friends were both, and still are, naturally charismatic, and they made friends fast in their own classes, and during breaks we'd all be at the playground. Unfortunately, in early April I messed up my arm pretty weirdly so I couldn't go on most of the bars or anything, but I still hung around in that area to spend time with them, even though I felt left out. Along with this, in class, a group of 4/5 girls started doing what girls do best, being mean. And their target was me. I suppose it was 'cause I got along well with the guys, and they didn't like that. Their "leader" Kathryn had a crush on one guy who always happened to be at my table group no matter how often our class got switched, so naturally I was friends with him, and that got her rather jealous. I tried to ignore how they'd be mean to me through out the year, making rude comments, spreading rumours that I liked that guy, etc, but what really was the icing on the cake was when another girl in my class, Ann, who claimed to be my friend and dislike those girls 'cause they were rude to her told me, at the end of the year, that everyone in my class hated me because I was apparently so fake because no one could be so nice and friendly all the time. As did every single person in my friends circle. She followed that with saying that she was only "nice" to me because she felt sorry for me. Yeah, I still don't like her. Complete side note, my closest friend in uni went to the same high school as her and described her as a psychotic b***h. Kinda made me happy to hear that. What she said to me really hurt.
Skip summer break and go onto year 8. I started spending time with a girl I met on my netball team the year before. She's still my closest friend to this day, though apparently she thought I was wierd back then xP Became a general friend with everyone in my class, save for the girl who wanted to crush me with her pack, and the girl who did crush me with her words alone. Yeah, sadly both Kathryn and Ann were in my class another year. Though still I was nice to them, even after what they did the year before. Throughout the year, Kathryn and Ann did little petty things again and again, though when Ann was without her she was decent-ish to me, always begging me for help with her (kind of obsessive) crush on a guy, etc. Kathryn got her boyfriend in on it too, calling me names every now and then. It all made me feel really uncomfortable. Getting out of my class at breaks and getting to hang with my bestie and one of her classmates was definitely the best. She's helped me through so much, I don't think she realises how much. Once the end of the year came around, I was relieved to find out both Kathryn and Ann were going to different high schools, I thought I'd be left alone at last. Sadly, I was wrong.
Remember that classmate of my bestie that I mentioned? Sherry. She always was more distant to me, would make plans with my bestie and exclude me, invite her over to her house and never me, etc, and not just in intermediate, but in my first year of high school too. All three of us were in different classes, but one of my classes was shared with Sherry's class. We were in different groups, but she and another girl, Neya, would giggle about me. Neya would make rude comments to me and then act all innocent. I was sick of being hurt. Whenever my bestie was sick, Sherry would just not show up at were we would meet, no apology. There was even one time she told me her friend had an emergency, yet I had seen her start to come around the corner to where I was waiting and then back up once she saw I was there. Early in year 10 she had started being rude to my bestie too, so she tried talking to her about it. Sherry and her friend made a huge bitchstorm. They took a note my bestie and another friend had been passing in class (which they'd thrown in the bin) to our year head. Said me and my bestie wrote it. I got called to the dean, she was all stern, probably expected a confession. Not me telling her I didn't even take that subject I was allegedly passing a note in. Sherry always had tried to drive a wedge in between me and my bestie though. Thankfully she failed.
Skip a few years to my last two years in high school. Me and bestie with a large group of friends since Sherry left us. In year 12, my second to last year, one thing becomes prominent. Riley's dislike for me, and intense like for my bestie. Slight things she did to cut me out. Not notice me. It came to the point in year 13 where she wouldn't even say much to me. And she thought she cleverly hid it all. But back to year 12. Most of my group joined Table Tennis socially because one of us was the captain. I was already busy with Fencing trainings and a few other groups so I didn't join. Riley took this as an opportunity to b***h about me every Friday, mainly to my bestie. My bestie played along so we could laugh about it later when she told me, and really, what she tried to say about me was pathetic. Eventually my friend got sick of it and told her to shut up though. But until then, for a year and a half, all my group of friends ever did was ask her why she hated me so much. Her answer? "I just do." Later became "Oh I tried to give her a chance but she was mean to me." When asked what I did, no response. Because she was lying. As she did about a lot of things. I gave her so many chances, but she was always terrible to me. Eventually it got to the point that everyone was sick of her bitchiness and drama, though no one wanted to confront her about it. She heavily contributed to my bestie's depression late last year, and I really, really hate her for that. But I tried to never let her get me down.
All while this was going on, another girl (yeah there's a lot of girls, I went to a girls only high school. Explains a lot, doesn't it?), Nina, started being rather mean to me from year 12. I was good friends with her closest friend, and also with quite a few of her friends, and apparently she would b***h about me often too, even though I barely even saw her! She said the same thing as Riley when asked why she disliked me though. She just did. It really sucks knowing so many people dislike you for being you. I always openly laughed about it, but really, it hurt. And yet I still blindly walk into traps like that, I still trust too easily. At the end of last year I made two posts on facebook once exams were over. This is them.
"As my time at ---------- has reached an end, I'd just like to say thank you to a very special group of people I've known. This goes out to all those girls who have ever put me down, hurt me, bitched about me behind my back, made me hate myself and made me feel like life was not worth living. You are the BEST PEOPLE EVER out in the whole wide world, and I really can't imagine what things would have been like without you. Oh wait, I can. With out you I would have never thought I didn't belong, I would have never felt like people were always lying to me, I would have never felt like what ever I did was wrong and I would have never, EVER felt like ending my life. I'm sad to say that there were so many more people in ---------- than there should have been who made feel any combination of these or other things, and the worst part is that those girls who have done this to me, well, they probably think they did nothing wrong. Well, I think I've stood with it for enough. The only reason I am here today is due to some amazing people who HAVE managed to counteract what those bitches did to me. There are a few people who have made me into the person who can laugh at the pathetic lies they told, trying to pull people away from me. You amazing people, you know who you are and I truly thank you for making me feel loved and wanted in this world. Remember, it takes a thousand nice words to make someone forget about something that was said to hurt them."
"Riley -------- You have done nothing but make me feel alienated within the group, and you know it very well. That last half of year 10 was fine, but guess what? I started noticing in year 11. I noticed how you'd subtly not ask me things. How you'd not invite me places. And this grew in 2011, when you made it more open. You talked about me behind my back. You'd still exclude me. And when you all started going to table tennis together every Friday afternoon, you spouted out all those lies. You told the people who I was friends with so. many. lies. I knew Riley. I've known this whole time. You're cruel, poisonous nature is truly horrible. Once this year started you kept it going and going, trying to push everyone away from me. But I never let myself fall to your level. I remained nice to you, but still you'd rebuff everything. Throughout it all, you kept lying to my face and tried to make me think you were actually my friend when you acted horrible to me. And when I tried to confront you about it, all you did was ignore every word of mine and try to blame me. Well you were wrong. So. Very. Wrong. All I ever told you was what you did. You ignored me. I gave you so many chances. You threw them all away. Well I'm sure this makes it very clear that you aren't getting any more after what you've done. I don't need a person like you around me because all you do is pull me down."
Yeah, the second post was unnecessary. I wanted closure I suppose, but that was a bad way to do it. I regretted it. Proceed with shitstorm. Her mother kept calling my cellphone, and then house once I told her rather calmly that I had only posted what I felt on facebook and that it was not related to her. She kept demanding I delete both posts. Said she'd call the police. Said she wanted to talk to my mother. She stopped for a bit when I deleted them both to shut her up. Then Riley's father called. Asked to speak to my dad. I gave in. He didn't seem as hysterical as her mother, and my dad was fed up with how they were behaving. Her father started saying stuff like what had my parents taught me, why was I doing that, etc etc, and then my dad said that he had done nothing when his daughter was being cruel to me, reducing me to tears, making me hate myself for the past few years. That stopped him. All he could respond with was a weak "well kids will be kids". Since then I've only seen her three times. Once at graduation, during the whole get called up and get certificate thing. Once on the bus early this year in the city when she was already on before the university stop. I don't think she made it in, even though she always claimed to be super smart and said she wanted to do med. She had terrible grades. I believe she really did fail most of her final exams. And the last time a few weeks ago, in the city. I was with a friend and we walked past her. I had to stop my friend from going to attack her or something, because my friend had known what she had done to me but had never met her before. It was nice that she wanted to defend me from her. Meant a lot to me. I've only had three friends in my life really stand up for me. My bestie. Her boyfriend, who I am really close friends with. And the one I was with in the city that day. They mean so much to me. Like the first post said, they saved me.
I'm finishing my first semester of University now. No gap year, just straight from high school to university. It's so much better. So much more acceptance. I'm close to a girl who's always been friends with guys. She finds them easier to be around because she grew up with guy friends. She's great. I met her on orientation, a day which I started with feelings of dread thinking I would be a complete loner. I always grew up thinking people were friends with me just because I was friends with the people they wanted to be friends with, but meeting her, becoming friends with her really tells me that she likes me for me, because I started uni with no proper friends, just a few ex-classmates. Being out of high school has really made me feel so much better, because there is just so much less random hate and bitchiness. I'm glad I never gave in to the urges to end my life. I really wanted to at times. I felt like people just put up with me quite often last year. I thought people kept me around to use me. I thought I was generally unlikable. I hated myself so often then, and to be honest, I still do. I hate myself for having so many regrets, and for doing things I regret. I'm an extremely empathetic person, and I do hate myself when I hurt others. What I hate the most though is that I listened. I listened to those people who tried to bring me down. Who did bring me down. I am so glad I never did it though. I'm glad I stuck to mentally torturing myself instead of physically harming myself, because you can come back from self hate, but not death. I'm happy now. If I lay awake at night, I don't make myself hate myself more. I feel at peace now. And that's good, right?
So I've probably missed a bunch, but that's what I can remember at 5 am. Wanna know more or anything? PM me. Want someone to talk to? DEFINITELY PM me. I'll always listen. And I promise I won't judge. I just want to help. And I can also be found on @TheNephilmRosier if I haven't been on Gaia for a few days. Well, I can't be found on there, but send me a tweet to come onto Gaia and I will as soon as I get internet thanks to tweet txt notifications.
The Nephilim Rosier · Mon Jun 10, 2013 @ 05:24pm · 0 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|