i feel... like one of the worst lately. i cant seem to fix myself when i end up pushing people away. im told by a lot of people in fact that i try too hard, im a stubborn as n***a, the monkey that pulls out to much bullshit just to get attention. i hate how i dont want to do with myself. it's been hitting me hard when i've been hanging out with a friend of mine. in the beginning of my spring quarter at college i've felt like ive been good friends w/this girl darby. everything was great and all. but idk, i tried to see if she could hang out w/me 1v1, mistakenly mentioned it as a date, and she's been distancing herself since then. i've failed to realize when what i was doing was too much. i tried to act like nothing happened, and she treats me like an aquantince. i guess thats all ive always been, just someone she met in biology. maybe thats why i lost you jonelle. i was trying too hard keeping contact with you. i'll be honest if i could clone myself i'd beat myself up. for all the times that i didnt know when to quit, all the times when i should have know better, all the times that i've lost friends because of what i did. maybe that way i wouldnt have lost you. i wouldnt have lost tasha. i wouldnt have lost darby. i need to learn how to stop, before i lose everyone/thing that i know. i've mentioned that i dont want to lose darby, and what am i doing? im pushing her away. i tried to invite her for niema's going away and all that did was have her distance btwn me grow cuz i couldnt take no for an answer. bbq on the 13th? i only made it worse, she clearly didnt want to go and what did i do? couldnt take no for an answer. ********, im a terrible guy. idky i cant just not try to get what i want. maybe all that i've done was just because i was selfish, not because it was the right thing to do.
what should i be doing now. i should really just stop trying. whenever i try i feel like its only making thing worse. maybe if i knew what better to do, i wouldnt have lost you jonelle. i wish i can take back my mistake that i've made for the past 2 years.
if i stop trying, maybe i would feel like i havent lost anything because if i didnt try, nothing would happen.
half the time idk if im lying or if im telling the truth. im realizing that i've become the type that says what people what to hear if it means getting their attention. i.. hate that about myself. maybe thats why i feel like im the worst. idk the difference from lying or telling the truth. maybe its because im desperate. desperate to just have... someone there for me. growing up i dont believe i felt.. welcomed. at home i didnt feel like i was wanted around because parents would just stick me in front of the tv when they were busy. brother would be in his own world or w/friends. people at school... some would just ignore me if i pulled shenanigans. idk half the time if people are accepting me or tolerating me.. the worst part about this is idk if ive accepted myself yet.. maybe i want a sign to just say its okay you've done nothing wrong, you've been doing things right up till now keep it up. idk, some words of encouragement once and a while would be nice.
maybe im just bitching, but i.. just want someone to be fair w/me
PS. I wish you're well
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