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Camren's Journal
stuff n stuff
I'm done.
I'm so ******** done it's not even funny. I hate everything about my life. I hate where I am I hate my job I hate how I;m so useless
I dont knkow what to do with myself. I dont want to be awake I dont want to be asleep I dont want to do anything. I feel like Im drowning and sinking but Im not moving at all. I hate this feeling. I don know what to do with myself. everything runs together trees cars air wind sky hair eyes teeth it feels like the world is moving around me and im just frozen like a rock im stuck inbetween towo huge boulders and there is no hope of moving them on my own im stuck im falling im breaking im exploding im being crushed im moving too quickly. falling and floating are the same thing i cant get these thoughts out of my head everything is turning and twisting nothing is what it seems. there are things tha no one else can see. they dont want to see they are blind and they are stupid for not listening to the whispers. the whispers know things that we don't. everything is touching me. i dont want it to touch me. i want to leave here but i have no way to get out. im stuck and i just need someone to help me. dont touch me. stop stop stop dont judge me dont look dont think about me. i want to be nothing. i want to stop existing. nothing is what it seems everything is too big. i dont fit in this world. this world doesn't belong to me nor i to it. ive never been here. ive been here for too long i need to get out. dont touch me. dont touch me. stop what youre thinking you are wrong dont think that way about me. i can feel you judging me wih your snide remarks and looks and feelings dont think that way you are hurting people dont think that. I'm broken. dont break me dont listen dont think you know. you dont there is nothing you know. i n=know nothing there is something wrong with the air. it feels wrong on my skin. my skin feels wrong on my body. i should get rid of it but im too scared because i dont want to feel the thickness of my blood on my skin. it feel i cant i cant there is nothing i hate more. it smells the lights are too bright they make patterns on the walls. the shadows move and sway in ways they shouldnt. they are going to dissolve the walls around me. the floor is trembling and crumbling. i want to fall with it under the ground to the center. my head is too full of thoughts it feels like they are all buzzing trying to get out at once they need to wait their turn. stop pushing dont shove it will all come out eventually. nothing is hiden the truth is alwasy going to surface it will float to the top and spoil everything. all of your hopes and dreams will fall over and crash into others. the world is going to stop being the world. everything is wrong why do I think this way what is happening there is something wrong with my thoughts they come out in the wrong order. what is that sound it is milling and moving and grinding it sounds like my head the whirring and roaring of engines spinning and spiriling in circles endless circles circles circles circles all around left left my hand want sme to move in that direction but i just keep laying stuck not up or down holding on to something that has turned into nothing long ago. when did it leave when did it cease it died with that part of me that wants to keep going. i dont remember having it but i dont remember ever not having it. something is missing from my life. its vanished like vapors caught in the wind of an everlasting tornado of thoughts. fingers flight escalate to darkness fleeting thoughts of hope and attaining a goal. there is no goal there is no end the beginning never happened turn around it;s behind you no the other way keep turning catch it catch th end and the start and never let go. keep it moving it wont stop if you dont let it. this is it this is it this is what you need d to know what you needed to hear. he is moving creeping he was so good to me hw wanted to help but there is something wrong now. no one knows but me he just lurks in the shadows. he talks with out making a sound. he thinks everything I think he knows everything. i want to help him but he won't talk to me. why wont he talk i just want to help. i want to hold him but when I try my arms fall into the air like he was never there at all. he isnt there but he is. no one else knows. no one else can ever know. it's my secret and its his secret . he won't tell. he cant he cant use his mouth. there are no words that belong to him maybe he lost them maybe I stole them maybe he is trying to steal them. i know what he thinks but I dont know what he thinks. we're connected but there might be something else that I don't know. he wont let me see all of him. i never knew him even though he is me. we are always together. he and i know things that others dont. no one knkows no one knows what he sees. its everywhere. it moves he knows he knows





 
 
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