i haven't had a good emo post in a long time.

i was just thinking about stuff today. after a good weekend at the beach with my friend Tian and 3 of her Korean friends (they're all guys lol). I enjoy being around these guys. They're fun, funny and generally nice. They practice their English and we learn a tiny bit of English, but the relationship isn't really about language exchange.

We relaxed in a spa-waterpark. It felt so good. We also walked along the beach some. It was along the west coast.

But riding home I was thinking about my relationship with J. I guess it's not fair to compare. Apples are apples, oranges are oranges. I got to thinking about my expectations and needs in a relationship.
I half wonder if the reason I'm in a relationship is because I'm honestly scared of being alone here. I dread having to spend much time just sitting here doing nothing. I love having someone to eat meals with. That's actually super important to me.
But dating for that reason sounds selfish to me.
I'm selfish.
Tian asked me how attractive J is to me. He's not... attractive... like... hot. But he's comfortable and I trust him pretty much. (tho he's pushy and blows money on things that are a little more frivolous rather than practical). Anyway. I wonder if it's fair to him? When we first started dating he and I were of the same understanding - that the relationship wasn't super serious. Yes, we're exclusively dating and all that, but knowing he's going home to the States next year - we agreed being too serious would not be good. I think he's gotten more serious and more attached and I worry. I also worry because I know I'll miss him.
At the same time I get really sad thinking Khoi will be leaving too. Not sure what it is, but that guy just brings me some strange kind of happiness. He's an a**, but he's a decent guy. But that's for another day.
When I think of J leaving, and the difficulties with my workplace, I wonder if doing a second year is viable. What will I do without Jongsoo?

I'm a jumble. sorry.