Today I felt melancholy. I felt like I was filled with those indigo blue paints from your childhood. You want to stick your hands in and smear it across a page. Blue. I felt thick and blue. I still feel it, drawing out an inner anxiety within me.

I know washing the dishes will help but I want it to be a private thing. I want everyone to leave me alone. I want them all to go away.

Calling my Aunt after dinner helped. The dinner I made was so heartily accepted that there wasn't even enough for me, the chef. I had leftover lasagna instead ; m ; I wanted some of my fried rice and chicken. I wanted to see how spicy it was. Oh well... I'll make a sandwich with the leftovers tomorrow.

I am not looking forward to work tomorrow. I know they will keep a close eye on me and that I will have a lot more work than last time. I don't like that store. I don't like those people. I don't, don't, don't. Know what would cheer me up a bit? Hearing back from my boi.

I went down there yesterday and we had sex. It was much better than any other time I had tried to have sex. He was definitely a different build that I'd ever seen before. I've seen different colors and lengths but not girths. I've also seen the uncircumcised and circumcised so no big surprises there. I ain't too shy to talk about this stuff. I think I've even talked about it with my brother and mother. My Dad gets a little more shy around this stuff than anyone else in the family. I digress, it was different with Josh because I wanted HIM. He still gave me that electric buzz, as I had hoped, and I make him shake. It's adorable. He was a considerate lover but I was crap. He doesn't know that I've only had one other sexual experience ( other than my first time cause I don't count that really ). I was so bad in bed that I was scared of being a fish, just laying there while he did all the work. I am terrified that I why he hasn't contacted me.

I also wonder... if he accidentally said that he loved me? After we were done, he pulled me in to cuddle. I've never done that before and honestly, I can see why so many people do it. It was.... very tender. Lulz my alarm kept going off and he tried to keep me from going. When I finally got up ( fifteen minutes later ) he said something while buried in my chest. I don't know if I am editing my memory or it really happened. All I know is that he hasn't contacted me since and he is going to be away for a month. I miss him already, but I don't know what our relationship is so I fear getting too clingy. I figure affection is good but don't be too obviously into him so that you chase him away. I don't really know... it all confuses and frustrates me. I just want him to be that great guy that he should be to me... even long distance.