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kesenai tsumi ♥
i use this as an online diary.
will i ever
find someone who treats me right. i'm tired of little boys and men in general. i'm just so disgusted because any male i've been involved with is scum. they just wanna use me for sex, try to mooch off me, controlling as ********, jealous, clingy, bad in bed, bad kissers, shitty hygiene, y'know the works.

but the other day in counseling i found out my bf was sexually abusing me. i didn't even want to call it that because i never thought something like that would actually happen to me but it definitely was. i feel ruined and my innocence is gone. no wonder it drove me to act a certain way and do certain things. i have no sexual self esteem or a self esteem in general. i wish i could rewind time to when i was a virgin and just wait it out. but it just so happens that this was the guy who took my virginity. things happened in between and the fact that he's in jail doesn't help. i'm not sure if it's normal for sexual abuse victims to feel like they're addicted to sex? you'd think they'd be afraid or something but sex is on my mind what feels like an unhealthy amount. me and my boyfriend had sex multiple times a day before he went to jail. i don't care if i have sex with someone besides him because it's just lost it's meaning. it's not like a sacred or valuable thing.
i already knew he was emotionally and verbally abusing me (it was extreme) but finding this out on top of that was too much. i'm heavily depressed every day and really irritable. i have zero energy all the time even though i'm exercising and taking my meds again. it feels like it's not helping.
the sad part is that victims of this kind of severe abuse can take years and years to mentally heal. i'm struggling every day. i have severe depersonalization and depression and the drugs sure didn't help. i don't want to keep going back to hospitals.

i need to listen to music i'm starting to get confused and messed up thinking about this stuff again.

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