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The Inner Workings of Onesself
Lots of randomness & meaningful stuff about moi, the one & only Kari-chan.
The abortion experience from my POV
I was 13 weeks no shame felt here! I couldn't see the jar the way I was positioned, but I was interested in how everything looked. I had one done yesterday actually it was not the horrible horrific experience some people spout to scare people. I felt no pain & was able to walk, take a bus, & bbq immediately afterwards!

I FELT NO GUILT going in or out just annoyance the protesters showed up at all like they have no life or anything better to do on a beautiful saturday morning. Then bombarded me with bullshit when I came out about how I needed to go to church today, be abstinent, & later on I would feel terrible about my choice because I lost a child. If there's one thing I can't stand it's being told my own feelings you want to get punched in the face approach me telling me how I feel like you live in my body! They piss me off not because they're pro-life, they piss me off with their methods trying to guilt-trip women as they walk in and out of the clinic & exploit their own children in their political/religious beliefs! One person inside said they beat on her car as she pulled in & they were blocking the driveway which is illegal. I'm sorry but I've never seen pro-choice people show up at a church or pro-life clinic & beat on the cars & block the drive as the people left have you?

I do not feel terrible I feel complete relief because I did not choose the pregnancy nor the sex that brought it along. I was in a relationship, we were actually engaged, and he raped me multiple times so all you spouting crap about being irresponsible with a boyfriend just shut up it's not always like that! The only reason I stopped birth control is because he badgered & begged me all last year about getting pregnant because he was older and had his retirement planned at a certain time. He even went so far as to ejaculate inside me everytime we had sex instead of pulling out like he had previously done.

He promised me things, promised me a happy life, comforts, money etc. he got me a car when mines broke down. He seemed perfect but pushy so after much internal fighting & a compromised mental state after being unrightfully fired from a job after being harrassed over a year, I decided to try to give him his baby. Throughout most of this time our relationship was on a edge, but i'm stubborn I was determined to make things work and be happy with him. I was to sacrifice everything my attempts at a career, my choice of where to live, my money, school, my freedom for him everything was about what he wanted because "a wife is supposed to depend on her husband." I realized I was being made helpless so i couldn't leave the relationship he destroyed my sense of self-worth & independence. He called me names, verbally & emotionally abused me, he played psychological games with me to subtly control my actions like yelling at me for 'getting drunk' in public (I stopped going out & refused drinks, even though I wasn't drunk that night, simply to avoid fights & effectively giving him what he wanted, control over me). I started to realize he was lying to me, how often I'm still unsure but I'm leaning to almost all the time. His extravagant stories didn't add up, family members did not confirm anything he was saying, he admitted to lying to me about being in the army when we first got together, stories about his ex-wife didn't add up the list goes on.

But I stayed faithful, I tried my best to trust him & make it work I blamed flaws in my own personality when I saw the red flags I ignored, I told myself to not be selfish & give him everything even when I started to fear for my life. I didn't call the police on him because we were still together & I didn't want him to get in trouble at school, but he wasn't hesitant to call the police on me still affecting my life today as I just learned I have a warrant out for my arrest for what I don't even know but it's stemming from that indicent with him. He even went so far as to ask a mutual friend to report the car he got me stolen when I went to get my hair done she said no she wanted nothing to do with it!

I was stupid, I'm young and this was a learning experience I hope no one else ever has to go through! But I don't and will never regret my abortion I was no longer committed to giving him what he wanted and it was disrupting my school work & would've eventually disrupted my dreams for the future. The only mistake I made was not getting out of the relationship when I had a home of my own now I'm stuck back home with my equally abusive parents.

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